A Glimmer of hope

 It's been a while once again, I really suck at this blogging thing because all I ever seem to do is complain but it really is good for letting things out. Since I was last here I have slowly started gaining control of my diet by introducing rules such as; only eat at the table, this one helped because I did a lot of my secret eating in my room and didn't even look at what I had because I was to embarrassed. Now I also make sure to keep track of what I eat and I love the feeling of accomplishment that comes with having achieved something.

I've started exercising pretty regularly and to be honest I missed it, I always used to put it off, but now that I've done it more often, I've realised just how much I miss the feeling of getting up and stretching my muscles and seeing exactly what I can do and how much I can still improve.

Source

It's the holidays here and in that time I designated a week where I wasn't allowed to use the internet and that was probably the biggest learning experience I have had since I was 8. Things I learnt and did included:
1. How to solve a rubix cube, after having a breakdown at the thing for about 2 hours, I figured it out and sat there staring at the object of my frustrations thinking 'haha I beat you little cube and there's nothing you can do about it.'
2. I became so engrossed in a novel (Dante Valentine) that I made use of my insomnia and was glued to the book for about 6 hours. I read pretty often and I live in the land of the book fairies but I never really had the time to just sit back and read a book with no distractions from start to end. Not for a long time anyway. I think I will do it more often because there is just something about a good story that I have always loved. (Though I am always left with the feeling of loss when I finish the novel and go through withdrawal. Wishing it had never ended.)
3. I went outside and walked. No music, no calls, nothing. This in itself for me was pretty big because I haven't done that in ages. I've been so preoccupied with thinking, that I even neglected to play with my dog. I felt like I was free again, just rolling down a hill and pretending to be a gazelle as I tried to get through the 40 acres of grass (which somehow happened to be taller than me... maybe I should mow the lawn...). I chased my dog around and had a barking competition with him to see who could scare the most birds.

 I did quite a few other things but they were probably the most memorable.

As stupid as it sounds, that week was the best week I have had in a long time and I feel like I should do that again sometime.

I hope you are all doing well.
x

Binge

Binging, I hate it. That feeling of failure and the sickness that comes with being overly full. Stress, stress, stress, stress. The school councilor went and said she was going to tell my parents about my eating problems and I was left thinking 'I'm never going to talk to you ever again.' I talked to her once since February and out of the blue she wants me to see a doctor because I eat to much. I know I eat to much. You don't need to tell me something I already know but thanks for help kill my low self esteem and sense that maybe I was slightly alright.

I'm going to force myself to stop. I can't do this anymore, and now people are noticing that I've put on weight and I just want to hit something and scream. Being the person I am, no one will every see me hit something or scream because I'm an emotional brick. I suppose it's the thought that counts though. I'll just loose this and get to 40kg, then everything will be alright again.

Urrggh

People. The cause of most problems and happiness in life. I really should just stop making friends if I know what is going to happen. I'll get bored, pissed off or left by the person. Maybe there is something dysfunctional about me. Maybe I should just change.

I don't understand humans, it's to difficult. They all seem to have problems and they take my lack of words as an immediate 'you really don't care' when I'm just trying to think of a solution to the problem. Emotional expression seems to be more important than rational thought. So if someone is about to die I should just panic and start crying? Instead of thinking of every possible way to stop them from dying? Fine then. Have it your way. I'll just stop helping, then maybe you will understand just how much I cared.

Time to go back to the asylum and get my emotions fixed. It appears that was one thing they forgot.