Stressed

Stress keeps piling up on me and it's all caused by my own lack of motivation. This is perhaps that worst I have done in an assignment this year. I have a monologue due tomorrow and I still have 500 words to go in a script I have to learn essentially off by heart. My drive to move is deteriorating and apparently my school is offering stress management classes.... during STUDIES.

That would be incredibly helpful if I actually had a study.

Writing

I just recently joined a competition on a site called Movellas.com and essentially it is a about writing a novel. Rather than actually aiming to win and get a novel published I just want to be able to reach the word limit of 40,000 to 60,000 words.

I have had a story idea stuck in my head for years and I think it would be great if I could finally get it down on paper. I have participated in previous challenges such as NaNoWriMo which is where you try to write 50,000 words in a month and through that experience I have found out several things.
1. I should finish writing the story before I edit
2. I should pace myself and write no more that 5,000 words a day
3. And I should always end on a 'to be continued' note

Mostly so I don't get bored of writing, personally I find this rather exciting and I have reached 1,050 words. Just 39,000 ish to write before May the 6th.

I think it took a sick day at home to actually make me start writing, boredom is a great motivator.

Joy,
Dorcha

Invisible

Funny how even though I'm in a team sport no one seems to hear or see me. I'm just invisible. They do enjoy yelling at me when the ball was supposed to be theirs in volleyball because I can no longer be bothered to fight back. I don't seem to ever be a priority, maybe that could have been one of the causes of my eating disorder, I never knew why it started. Maybe I decided that if I faded away people wouldn't be able to blame me anymore.

To be honest, I'm scared of my parents. They even do anything particularly bad, we just have communication problems and they always express their disapproval of everything I do. I'm not good enough for them.

Anyway today is Ash Wednesday and even though I'm not a Catholic, I decided that the giving up of something is a good concept. So after witnessing the Mind Body Spirit Festival, I have decided to give up swearing and to try being a Vegan. Sort of to test myself and see if I can live without my normal comforts and defenses.

From, Dorcha

Mind Body Spirit

Today I decided to go to the Mind Body Spirit Festival because I wanted a new experience, and that is what I got. The festival featured many things such as psychics, naturopaths, massage therapists and general well being stalls. After being vegan for several years I found it to be unexpectedly eye opening and calming. I liked the new ideas that I gained and the acceptance I discovered there.

At first I just wanted to visit and receive a psychic reading, while on my way I encountered a person who I hadn't talked to in years since the first time I went into inpatient. She looked so good and healthy that I didn't even recognize her until she told me who she was. How could she have recovered so well while I just seemed to keep getting worse? Was my immediate thought before she explained that she gained an understanding of herself and how to make peace with her body and mind. I realised that it was possible to recover and that changing the thoughts really did change the entirety of the illness. It was interesting to see the power of will.

At my tarot reading I only remember three cards, the Devil, the Lover and the Sun. It was all completely true and the Lover appeared about 5 times throughout the day, one had the number 33 on the corner and I couldn't help but be a bit freaked out because of my life's relation to the number 3.

I visited a few seminars and found out that my sister who committed suicide in  2006 is my spirit guide and has been trying to tell me to move on, even though I can't seem to. It was a comfort to hope that someone somewhere was still trying to look after me, that someone cared.

I tried at least 20 different teas and people seemed to be understanding about my habits, they even seemed curious and seemed to interpret them as a spirit connection.

All in all, I am glad that I went. I probably won't leave the house for a while now because I'm pretty stressed but I like knowing that there really are people out there who can accept and acknowledge that you are the way you are and that you can't simply decide to change one day.