Picking the pieces

Everyday you think things will be different, that you will try harder, that you will achieve something, that you will finally get somewhere but then you remember you have a time limit. To leave your mark, or leave quietly that is the question. When you're faced with an early death you'd think the world would be different, you would have the motivation to do anything in your time but I can't actually do anything. Nothing changes except you. No one notices except you because you don't want to burden anyone with that knowledge that you have.

Source

You watch everyone and see the irony of the words when people say, 'I'm dying,' because they don't like a class or they have a cold. You want to tell someone, speak up but at the same time, you don't want anyone to know. You want to be treated any differently, sometimes you just need a hug or a time to break down and cry. When you're the person who never cries, who never hugs, who is constantly sarcastic and strong you don't have that luxury. You are strong for the people around you because they need it.

You start to break apart piece by piece slowly losing yourself and everything you stood for but I want to pick up the pieces. I want to try and see if I can survive ductaped together, make something of myself in 11 years. I want to get into a medicine course with an OP1 so no one ever has to deal with what I do, I want to be a bodyguard so I can protect someone, I want to learn 5 different languages and be a black belt in a martial art. I want to finally accept myself and not constantly be pressured by my mentality, I want to be happy when the time comes if I don't develop a cure and keep my air of cockiness right till the end. I could never be strong for myself, but for others, I can do anything. Bring it on life, I'm going to pick up the pieces and do whatever the hell I need to do.

First World Problems

I went to a music store yesterday and faced the biggest decision of my life...
Acoustic Guitar
or
Electric Bass

Yes I do feel this needs to be dramatic but as a musical reliant person I can't decide. The guitar would help a great deal with music at school and it is the normal instrument to sing along to (Not that I can actually sing). Bass sounds so epic and amazing but it's more of an accompaniment instrument than a lead, I don't think it really has enough of a fanbase and isn't appreciated enough.

Razuquell (Rah-zah-qwu-ell) is the name for whatever it will be (I name everything), my ocarina is Ren and my keyboard is Nigel. Aggh funny how I'm making a big deal about something most people would find to be a stupid issue. I don't know which one to get, I have $400 and the ones I want both cost the same price though the bass doesn't include an amp.

Oh the joy of first world problems.

Just something nice

Source

This was taken from a status I saw on facebook but I thought it was really nice.

'Have you noticed? That as people grow older, they usually become more beautiful. Those "ugly ducklings" who has been bullied ever since they were a kid, sure they may have been through nights where they can't stop crying from all the pain society give them, but through it all, they become strong and beautiful when they grow up, like an amazingly beautiful swan. And you know what's the most beautiful thing about those kind of people? They grow up respecting everybody else, because they don't ever wanna become as low as those bullies who hurt their feelings. That's how people who are both beautiful on the outside and inside are created. Don't ever bully someone just cause of they're not "good-looking enough", because they just might grow up to become a better person than you. Stay strong, and never let anyone put you down, you'll blossom into a beautiful person C:'

 

I'm sure that all of you are beautiful flowers or will bloom into flowers, all unique and even though we have our bad sides, I think you all have good hearts.

I am a Pirate, you are a Princess by Play Radio Play

 Is there a hole in your heart, or am I mistaken
I can see your capillary veins
You be the patient, I'll be the surgeon
Just like in first grade on the playground all day

Soon enough you'll see the black top coming for you
After that there is not much else we can do

Have you forgotten your place?
I'm being sarcastic
That shit could kill a bus of kids
We are a good thing
She is a bad thing
Why would she want to break us?
Who would want to break us?

Soon enough you'll hear the black top calling your name
After that life will never be the same

I am a pirate, you are a princess
We could sail the seven seas
Bring back some presents
For all the people
Everyone will love us
Even Courtney will love us

I am performing this song for my music assignment at school because it is a song I can actually reach with my vocal chords. I have 6 lessons to learn it so I just hope I can memorize it in time and that I don't fail completely. I also have to write a pop song and make an album cover but I'm pretty much finished, I'm just trying to find a 'strumming' pattern for the keyboard because I fail at guitar. I might post it here when I've recorded here, I can't sing very well so I hope your ears don't bleed but it's good for critism.

Sorry for my constant rambling and whining, it must be quite annoying.

Hope you are all living well x

More rambles and more potential triggers

For the past few days I've been feeling almost manic, as if my thoughts were racing at a million miles per hour. I never stop talking and I think I'm getting incredibly annoying, my counselor seems convinced nothing is wrong but she doesn't know anything except whats on the surface. Why do I have to be such a good liar? I always lie and people have the tendency to believe them more than the truth.

Maybe if they saw my bruises, my cuts and what really goes through me they would think I'm insane. I used to have a therapist when I lived in Ireland who understood me and everything, she is the one that made the diagnoses but I don't think my mentality is any better since then. I think it's getting worse. I just grab something and hit myself just to feel pain, damn I know the risks and injuries that might occur, I know its dangerous. I just feel out of my mind like a clown but nothing around me is real. I push everyone who could possibly help me away because my biggest fear is that my parents will find out and be disappointed. I don't want to ruin their views of a perfect child anymore than I already have.

I think three things when I meet someone, how to kill them, how to use them and how to run, I don't think that is normal thinking. I'm not even scared of horror movies or anything, my frame of mind is more like 'if something or someone was actually in my house I wouldn't be able to stop them anyway,' and suddenly I don't feel fear, I'm not afraid of dying but I would never want to commit suicide. I'm not suicidal but sometimes the world kills me anyway.

If you read that, I'm sorry for being such a downer I just need somewhere I can say whatever I need to.

Down the hole (Potentially triggering)

I purged twice this week and I have no idea why I did. I simply found myself vomiting with my fingers down my throat. The acid burned and after the second time my voice was slightly croaky. I wasn't even sad nor did I think anything bad in particular, I suppose habits are hard to break.

After that event I had a swimming carnival (3pm-8pm because my school is weird) in which I swam 50m butterfly and backstroke as well as 25m freestyle and breaststroke I came first, second or third in each which was a surprise because I haven't swam in 2 years. We had some cheers and warcries going on so they forced us to join in. To sum it up lets just say I think I have ruined my vocal chords.

Of Poetry

I was just given an assignment at school in which we have to write a poem compiling one line or more from four poems plus some of our own. The main topic for this term was poetry through the ages going from Renaissance, Romantic, Victorian to Modernist. Personally I am very interested in this topic and have already started a collection of poets and poetry to chose from, as well as ideas for a theme.

The point of this is not to use plagiarism or to try recreate a poem, but to pay homage to poets past and present. I like horror, gore and gothic poetry but I'm not sure if my class would agree since it is an oral presentation. We are allowed to use the lyrics from a song as a poem as well and have to use multi modal (powerpoint, video, music) elements, gestures, costuming, etc to dramatize the saying of the poem. I'm not much of an actor but I want to give this my best shot since it is an object of my interests. The poets have to have published some of their works to be part of this and I want to fully reference them so as to make their works more well known because some of them are absolutely brilliant.

 Source

Some poets and poems that I have thought about so far are:
Kill Natalie
Emilie Autumn
Edgar Allen Poe
The Apparition by John Donne
The Vampire by Rudyard Kipling


 

Another Ramble (May be triggering)

For the past few days I seem to be getting steadily worse. I argue with everyone then realize I started it for no reason later on, I feel perpetually tired during the day after a full night's sleep and fall asleep during classes that I find interesting, my head is aching and feels like it's burning from the inside, I can't even walk straight because my eyes are watery from almost tears like I can't decide whether or not to cry. I haven't cried in years, I don't think I know how to. I have bruises all over me from both my clumsiness and on purpose but never in places people see. I can't decide who is my friend anymore because they text me all the time and talk to me on facebook but when it comes to real life they never say a single word. I love sports but now I struggle at things I once found easy because I feel so weak and keep on shaking.

A family friend was sent to hospital and diagnosed with depression of some kind, I'd known her since I was a little kid and never knew she had tried to kill herself twice. No one is who I thought they were anymore, I can't think about them the same, everything just keeps on changing and now I think my body is trying to make me realize it. Accept it, even though I don't want to, getting older everyday, people dying everyday, new secrets people tell me for no apparent reason other than they want advice as if I could help them. I can't help everyone, I'm not an angel or a deity of any kind I just want to be left alone to get a grip on the endless flow of eternity.
I guess that is what it is like to be a teenager.

For the first time though I hate to admit it, I think I should go voluntarily talk to my counselor who I have avoided for years. Oh joy 

Artist: YUI

Yui is a 'Japanese singer songwriter, multi instrumentalist, composer, actress and radio personality' (wikipedia) She released her first single when she was 17 and is pretty famous in Japan and some other countries. Her song Again was one of the opening themes for Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood (anime). I enjoy her music even though a lot of it doesn't have the drumming I usually listen to, it normally either has a slow beat or a more pop like tune. Her songs range from happy to sad lyrics and I adore her voice. She is a talented guitarist and often has acoustic features in her music. My favourite songs by her are 'Rain', 'Again' and 'Understand'.