For the past few days I've been feeling almost manic, as if my thoughts were racing at a million miles per hour. I never stop talking and I think I'm getting incredibly annoying, my counselor seems convinced nothing is wrong but she doesn't know anything except whats on the surface. Why do I have to be such a good liar? I always lie and people have the tendency to believe them more than the truth.
Maybe if they saw my bruises, my cuts and what really goes through me they would think I'm insane. I used to have a therapist when I lived in Ireland who understood me and everything, she is the one that made the diagnoses but I don't think my mentality is any better since then. I think it's getting worse. I just grab something and hit myself just to feel pain, damn I know the risks and injuries that might occur, I know its dangerous. I just feel out of my mind like a clown but nothing around me is real. I push everyone who could possibly help me away because my biggest fear is that my parents will find out and be disappointed. I don't want to ruin their views of a perfect child anymore than I already have.
I think three things when I meet someone, how to kill them, how to use them and how to run, I don't think that is normal thinking. I'm not even scared of horror movies or anything, my frame of mind is more like 'if something or someone was actually in my house I wouldn't be able to stop them anyway,' and suddenly I don't feel fear, I'm not afraid of dying but I would never want to commit suicide. I'm not suicidal but sometimes the world kills me anyway.
If you read that, I'm sorry for being such a downer I just need somewhere I can say whatever I need to.
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