What to believe

Its times like now that I wish I had something to believe in, that I wasn't such a skeptic. It wouldn't even necessarily have to be a faith or any transcendental entity or force. Something as simple as 'home is safe' or 'weekends are good for sleeping in' are all I could possibly wish, just some rock I can grab on to give some stability to my increasingly questionable mentality. I thought I was doing okay, that I was passing as a functional human being until I re-evaluated my recent life. Past the more than daily break downs and actual things I have realised as out of the ordinary I decided to look at my weekly schedule (avoiding specifics).

Monday-

8:30am - 3:00pm School

3:00pm - 4:15pm Teams Sport Practice

Tuesday-

7:00am Running

8:30am - 3:00pm School

3:00pm - 4:15pm Instrument Lesson

Wednesday-

8:30am - 3:00pm School

4:00pm - 5:00pm Team Sport Game

Thursday-

7:00am Running 

8:30am - 3:00pm School

Friday-

7:00am Team Sport Practice

8:30am - 3:00pm School

3:00pm - 4:15pm Instrument Lesson

Saturday- 

7:00am Running 

8:00am - 11:am Work 1

Sunday-

7:00am - 12:00pm Work 2

At a glance, it may seem pretty normal and it seemed completely fine so I couldn't figure out why I wasn't coping with my life, until it hit me one morning.

I have a coffee every morning with two sugars and no milk. The only thing I have had in the past week is a coffee in the morning with two sugars and no milk.

My bed is always made in the morning. My bed is always made at night. My bed is untouched and I  haven't been to bed in at least three days.

Then I took into account that I don't normally get home until after 6:00pm after hanging out at my local library, studying until it closes. I realised that I didn't want to go home and that my mum spends about as much time there as I do watching tv (I don't watch tv). 

I haven't had to go grocery shopping in a very long time because we always have the same amount of food. My brother (who has a similar medical history to as me) has relapsed with an eating disorder, has no friends and hasn't left the house in months.

I have friends by I haven't talked to them in months. How does someone manage to play a team sport and avoid making friends?

My teacher told us that 'by semester 2 we would burn ourselves out and probably die' because none of us were prepared for senior year. I just hope I can last that long. Maybe if I just had something to hold onto, to believe in.

Dorcha Aingeal.

Nothing Relevant at all

I'm not a popular person, nor am I particularly hated. Generally I'm the person who is just there, the one who is always around but would never be completely missed if they were gone. This in itself is completely fine, in fact, I like it that way because it gives me the freedom that many people don't have. That is, until you start getting attention from the popular people, or a certain popular person.

I admit to having been in many relationships, but I could never forget that amplified feeling of inadequacy that comes with dating one of those more liked people. When someone says 'you are so pretty,' or 'I envy you,' it is normally the words of single girls towards the person I have decided to attempt a relationship with and you suddenly become an ornament. How you look and behave suddenly reflects on the person in question and it almost feels as if you come from some higher class family that has high social standards. If you are not particularly good looking its a 'you have such a big heart for seeing their personality,' and if you are extremely attractive its whispers of 'what a good catch,' or 'I heard they were a slut.'

Body image begins to play a big deal in your side of the relationship unless you develop a thick skin and having been seen on both sides of the extremer version of the weight scale, sometimes it becomes harder to focus on the person you like. It may seem completely materialistic of me to say these things, but as someone who is usually invisible, suddenly gaining attention is almost terrifying because all of a sudden people can see you. There is no hiding and I can't help but feel like I can never match up to my more popular, smart and good looking partner. Self esteem is such a blessing I don't seem to have.

Pointless Drabble

I often write terrible raps when I have spare time and I just happened to write another poetic disaster:

Conforming, that one major rule of society,
If you have nothing else have have propriety,
If you don't then why the fuck are you here?
You better be ready to live a life of fear.

Chorus: (Sung)
'Cause I, don't really know
What side to show you
Facade, its all just as mask
But you'll never get a clue

Again you asked me, 'how was your day?'
My mechanical reply 'it was really okay,'
But is that the truth that we hold inside,
Or is it a mask that we set up from pride?

Chorus: (Sung)

Kid, I recognise that look in your eye,
It holds so many words and says you could cry.
But toughen up, suck it up, build a brick wall,
To survive in this world, better build it tall

Chorus: (Sung)
Bridge:
We all have our stories
Things we never will tell
We, all have our secrets
I hope you, you hide yours well

Smash, crash, now it's all piles of ash,
This once proud nation has turned into trash.
This castle, this kingdom once touched the skies,
But it came crashing down, a foundation of lies.