What to believe

Its times like now that I wish I had something to believe in, that I wasn't such a skeptic. It wouldn't even necessarily have to be a faith or any transcendental entity or force. Something as simple as 'home is safe' or 'weekends are good for sleeping in' are all I could possibly wish, just some rock I can grab on to give some stability to my increasingly questionable mentality. I thought I was doing okay, that I was passing as a functional human being until I re-evaluated my recent life. Past the more than daily break downs and actual things I have realised as out of the ordinary I decided to look at my weekly schedule (avoiding specifics).

Monday-

8:30am - 3:00pm School

3:00pm - 4:15pm Teams Sport Practice

Tuesday-

7:00am Running

8:30am - 3:00pm School

3:00pm - 4:15pm Instrument Lesson

Wednesday-

8:30am - 3:00pm School

4:00pm - 5:00pm Team Sport Game

Thursday-

7:00am Running 

8:30am - 3:00pm School

Friday-

7:00am Team Sport Practice

8:30am - 3:00pm School

3:00pm - 4:15pm Instrument Lesson

Saturday- 

7:00am Running 

8:00am - 11:am Work 1

Sunday-

7:00am - 12:00pm Work 2

At a glance, it may seem pretty normal and it seemed completely fine so I couldn't figure out why I wasn't coping with my life, until it hit me one morning.

I have a coffee every morning with two sugars and no milk. The only thing I have had in the past week is a coffee in the morning with two sugars and no milk.

My bed is always made in the morning. My bed is always made at night. My bed is untouched and I  haven't been to bed in at least three days.

Then I took into account that I don't normally get home until after 6:00pm after hanging out at my local library, studying until it closes. I realised that I didn't want to go home and that my mum spends about as much time there as I do watching tv (I don't watch tv). 

I haven't had to go grocery shopping in a very long time because we always have the same amount of food. My brother (who has a similar medical history to as me) has relapsed with an eating disorder, has no friends and hasn't left the house in months.

I have friends by I haven't talked to them in months. How does someone manage to play a team sport and avoid making friends?

My teacher told us that 'by semester 2 we would burn ourselves out and probably die' because none of us were prepared for senior year. I just hope I can last that long. Maybe if I just had something to hold onto, to believe in.

Dorcha Aingeal.