Seasons Greetings

I'm never on my blog very often but I'm constantly checking for updates on everyone else's so for one of the few posts of this year I just want to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

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I'm slightly hyper at the moment as I haven't slept in at least three days which I blame on my Xbox and a certain series of games called the Mass Effect trilogy and the birthday party of a certain friend.

It's now the school holidays and I'm still stuck in February, a lot of people seem to be saying that this year has passed far too quickly and it has perhaps been one of the most eclectic of my high school career. One year left and I'm not looking forward to it in the slightest for a multitude of reasons. These range from simply not wanting responsibility to this being to the only year that could affect how hard or easy my life can be after I graduate. I have friends now, not many, but I'm happy to see them 5 days a week and talk about everything from America's next top model to cute little animals we see. I guess I'll just have to make the most of my time and work as hard as I can because I can't stop the inevitable.

On another note I discovered a movie called Rent from a friend on mine and I must say that I really like it. It was made in 2005 and is based on an a 1990's American Bohemian community. It is a musical but it deals with a range of topics from homosexuality, poverty, AIDS and as one of the songs goes 'anything taboo.' So I definitely recommend it for anyone who actually still reads this blog.

 My mentality has both improved and declined recently, I no longer feel depression but instead I have become more detached if that makes any sense. It's almost as if a wall of glass separates me from the rest of the world. I don't feel events as strongly as I should but I'm also not badly affected by situations like human contact as I normally would be. I don't really eat very much but that's mostly out of forgetfulness than restricting (or at least I hope it is) and that makes being around my family a lot more bearable.

I hope you are all doing well, if not, I'm always here to listen  and do anything I possibly can to help.

Signing out for another year (probably),
Dorcha Aingeal

Measures

Tomorrow I finally made an appointment to see the school counselor, who I have been avoiding for years, in order to go to a short course with a group of people about stress management. She knows about a lot of my mental health history and I really don't want any of my friends to find out more than they already know. I've been coping alright with most aspects of my life for the past few months, with some new friends in the group that I hang out with, actually handing in assignments on time and going to school.

My biggest trigger is always when people find out, because I feel that people gain expectations of me based on the different labels that come with knowing, and that I am forced to try and meet them. This isn't at all rational but part of my mind perceives it as completely true anyway. So as opposed to acceptance or acknowledgement, ignorance has always been my safety blanket. I no longer have a therapist, it was nice to have someone to talk to sometimes but I'm trying to find out how to be as independent as possible.

I have one year left of high school and have the aim to further increase my grades based on the prediction I was given for a final score. I'm not particularly happy with it but I know that if I can achieve what I am while doing assignments the night before and not doing home or school work I obviously have a lot that I can improve on.

From,
Dorcha

A talk of Obsessions

After reading this I began thinking about obsessions that I have, and how they can affect my life. It's a curious thing how a person can become so involved in something that it becomes a habit, a routine or almost a need. Much of my life revolves around these things, and everyone seems to have their own. The news displays obsessions that have gone wrong, or obsessions that have lead to accomplishments.

This can be seen through the portrayal of terrorists, people who commit crimes that cause harm to others in society, or threaten to do so. They are people who have become obsessed with the idea that there is something wrong with the world and it is their job to correct it. These are the obsessions that have been said to have gone wrong.

An example of an accomplished obsession can be seen in many business people, entrepreneurs or students that are described as 'driven.' They are people who are obsessed with achievement in their particular fields and strive to meet all expectations in relation to work. They are the idols in society whether they are admired or ostracized due to their successes and failures.

On a more local level though, many people become obsessed with celebrities, hobbies and other pursuits. These are the obsessions that have lead me to analyzing the pros and cons attached to each of my own and some others that I have noticed in my peers.

Over the course of my blog I have noticed that much of what I write about is the flaws and problems in my life, almost a whine or outlet journal. You may have noticed that I struggle with an eating disorder and it seems to cause me a lot of grief. This is the source of my first obsession.

Food. My relationship with food has always been erratic, switching between love and hatred, starvation and binge. Rather than talk about the pros and cons of food though, I would like to address what I have gained and lost due to this particular obsession. Firstly, I have lost a lot of my life, spending much of it in hospitals and states of depression. It has confined and isolated me from people I have once called friends and made my family life chaotic and temperamental to say the least. It has lead my to the edge of death, through the illness and personal choice and I know it will be with me for the rest of my existence. Now you may be thinking, 'how is there any good associated with this?' Well, even though I have lost a lot, I gained an appreciation of the happy times when they appear. I have been able to decipher who my true friends are and have been strengthened through their continuous support. My family may been broken, but I was finally able to speak clearly about the problems that existed within our system with the mediation that is a psychologist.

I have learned that I can control things and that I can achieve goals if I dedicate myself to them. Finally, my expectations are never low.

Music. My pursuit of music, both through an instrument and through bands, has lead me to many hours of practice and procrastination. It has taken my money because of the merchandise, cds and tickets I feel I need to buy and the dedication to keep up-to-date has left me with less sleep than usual due to their living in other countries. Through this though, I have gained a level of skill in piano and some other instruments as well as being more open minded towards the differences of other cultures and fans.


These are simply two of my obsessions and how they affect my life. Feel free to comment yours.

From,
Dorcha xx

Stressed

Stress keeps piling up on me and it's all caused by my own lack of motivation. This is perhaps that worst I have done in an assignment this year. I have a monologue due tomorrow and I still have 500 words to go in a script I have to learn essentially off by heart. My drive to move is deteriorating and apparently my school is offering stress management classes.... during STUDIES.

That would be incredibly helpful if I actually had a study.

Writing

I just recently joined a competition on a site called Movellas.com and essentially it is a about writing a novel. Rather than actually aiming to win and get a novel published I just want to be able to reach the word limit of 40,000 to 60,000 words.

I have had a story idea stuck in my head for years and I think it would be great if I could finally get it down on paper. I have participated in previous challenges such as NaNoWriMo which is where you try to write 50,000 words in a month and through that experience I have found out several things.
1. I should finish writing the story before I edit
2. I should pace myself and write no more that 5,000 words a day
3. And I should always end on a 'to be continued' note

Mostly so I don't get bored of writing, personally I find this rather exciting and I have reached 1,050 words. Just 39,000 ish to write before May the 6th.

I think it took a sick day at home to actually make me start writing, boredom is a great motivator.

Joy,
Dorcha

Invisible

Funny how even though I'm in a team sport no one seems to hear or see me. I'm just invisible. They do enjoy yelling at me when the ball was supposed to be theirs in volleyball because I can no longer be bothered to fight back. I don't seem to ever be a priority, maybe that could have been one of the causes of my eating disorder, I never knew why it started. Maybe I decided that if I faded away people wouldn't be able to blame me anymore.

To be honest, I'm scared of my parents. They even do anything particularly bad, we just have communication problems and they always express their disapproval of everything I do. I'm not good enough for them.

Anyway today is Ash Wednesday and even though I'm not a Catholic, I decided that the giving up of something is a good concept. So after witnessing the Mind Body Spirit Festival, I have decided to give up swearing and to try being a Vegan. Sort of to test myself and see if I can live without my normal comforts and defenses.

From, Dorcha

Mind Body Spirit

Today I decided to go to the Mind Body Spirit Festival because I wanted a new experience, and that is what I got. The festival featured many things such as psychics, naturopaths, massage therapists and general well being stalls. After being vegan for several years I found it to be unexpectedly eye opening and calming. I liked the new ideas that I gained and the acceptance I discovered there.

At first I just wanted to visit and receive a psychic reading, while on my way I encountered a person who I hadn't talked to in years since the first time I went into inpatient. She looked so good and healthy that I didn't even recognize her until she told me who she was. How could she have recovered so well while I just seemed to keep getting worse? Was my immediate thought before she explained that she gained an understanding of herself and how to make peace with her body and mind. I realised that it was possible to recover and that changing the thoughts really did change the entirety of the illness. It was interesting to see the power of will.

At my tarot reading I only remember three cards, the Devil, the Lover and the Sun. It was all completely true and the Lover appeared about 5 times throughout the day, one had the number 33 on the corner and I couldn't help but be a bit freaked out because of my life's relation to the number 3.

I visited a few seminars and found out that my sister who committed suicide in  2006 is my spirit guide and has been trying to tell me to move on, even though I can't seem to. It was a comfort to hope that someone somewhere was still trying to look after me, that someone cared.

I tried at least 20 different teas and people seemed to be understanding about my habits, they even seemed curious and seemed to interpret them as a spirit connection.

All in all, I am glad that I went. I probably won't leave the house for a while now because I'm pretty stressed but I like knowing that there really are people out there who can accept and acknowledge that you are the way you are and that you can't simply decide to change one day.

Of friends and hobbies

Happy Dog

As part of my plan for this year, I wanted to push myself out of the house more and try to gain a bit of a social life. I used to go out quite a bit and I find myself missing the comfort of having people who accepted me and allowed me to be myself around them. A part of many illnesses and disorders from my observation seem to end up with isolated people. Whether it's a loss of interest in having friends, people becoming mean and not wanting to understand or just not being able to two time with the time consumption of the illness while having to maintain a life, I find this just adds to the feeling of loneliness and creates a worse situation.

When I had friends, even with my odd habits, I felt like I was capable of going out in public. Somehow there was a barrier between me and the eyes that I felt were judging me. I wasn't able to eat or try on clothes where people could see me but it was a great improvement from the state I found myself in only late last year. I started to ignore people and go out of my way to avoid them because I felt trapped by them and didn't want them to say anything that could hurt me, while I made up things they could be thinking about me "She's so fat, how can she live with herself." "Who does that? She's just strange and I never want to talk to her again." My of these people just recently tried to commit suicide and I happened to find her and get help. After I found out that she missed me and felt like all her friends had left her and I could relate, there were other contributing factors to this but I think this one was the breaking point. At the same time, I really had left her and I blamed myself for it and we decided that we would be there for each other because we didn't want to lose anyone that had ever meant something to us again.

That's why I think friends are somewhat important, even if you are a person who like to be alone.

Other than this I have started swimming again, mostly to help my lungs, but also because I enjoy it. I have plans to keep going frequently and make a habit of it. I also joined the school volleyball team and was surprised that I actually made it because I haven't tried for ages so I wasn't sure if I still had the skills for it.

On exams I have my grade 6 exam for piano coming up in May and I'm kind of nervous but it's a nice challenge and maybe I can get somewhere with it.

Updating,
Dorcha

Things as they are

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It's now well and truly 2014 and life still seems to be continuing at a pace that I wish would just slow down for a moment. Everyone around me seems to have their lives sorted and have some kind of idea as to what they want to do, while I'm just juggling every thought that I have, hoping it will spark some inspiration.

I've started watching TV shows again, which I haven't done in years, and at the moment I'm quite interested by a show called Teen Wolf. It has a number of appealing factors including the well developed characters, suspenseful plot line and interesting character relations (and hot guys who are pretty body confident...). Some of the things I found somewhat difficult to get used to were the animation of the werewolves but by the 3rd episode I managed to stop caring. Each of the characters seems to have an appealing aspect to them, from their family background as werewolf hunters, geniuses who pretend to be stupid and a sarcastic guy called Stiles who is completely human. Definitely recommend it for people to try.

On a darker note, my OCD seems to have begun to control my life again and I really don't want that to happen again. For some reason my obsession was with 3's and I never figured out why. Tapping in sets of 3, washing hands 3 times, staring at the clock and getting extremely anxious when something doesn't happen on time. Answering 3, 6 or 9 questions on an exam is starting to cause problems in my schoolwork. I just wish I could be a normal person.

I went on my monthly checkup to the hospital and apparently my blood sugar is getting to low and I have iron deficiency, it seems whenever I try to get better things just keep getting worse. Maybe it's the stress from finding out that a girl I used to be friends with is stalking me and I spent every moment scared that she will call me and leave another message, or that she'll leave letters on my locker and corner me in the bathrooms again. Maybe it's my parents who have now taken to making sarcastic comments about everything because apparently mental disorders don't exist and I'm faking everything. They made a joke about get me a scalpel for my birthday because I used to self harm. I don't think they realise that calling me a failure actually hurts.

From,
Dorcha