What to believe

Its times like now that I wish I had something to believe in, that I wasn't such a skeptic. It wouldn't even necessarily have to be a faith or any transcendental entity or force. Something as simple as 'home is safe' or 'weekends are good for sleeping in' are all I could possibly wish, just some rock I can grab on to give some stability to my increasingly questionable mentality. I thought I was doing okay, that I was passing as a functional human being until I re-evaluated my recent life. Past the more than daily break downs and actual things I have realised as out of the ordinary I decided to look at my weekly schedule (avoiding specifics).

Monday-

8:30am - 3:00pm School

3:00pm - 4:15pm Teams Sport Practice

Tuesday-

7:00am Running

8:30am - 3:00pm School

3:00pm - 4:15pm Instrument Lesson

Wednesday-

8:30am - 3:00pm School

4:00pm - 5:00pm Team Sport Game

Thursday-

7:00am Running 

8:30am - 3:00pm School

Friday-

7:00am Team Sport Practice

8:30am - 3:00pm School

3:00pm - 4:15pm Instrument Lesson

Saturday- 

7:00am Running 

8:00am - 11:am Work 1

Sunday-

7:00am - 12:00pm Work 2

At a glance, it may seem pretty normal and it seemed completely fine so I couldn't figure out why I wasn't coping with my life, until it hit me one morning.

I have a coffee every morning with two sugars and no milk. The only thing I have had in the past week is a coffee in the morning with two sugars and no milk.

My bed is always made in the morning. My bed is always made at night. My bed is untouched and I  haven't been to bed in at least three days.

Then I took into account that I don't normally get home until after 6:00pm after hanging out at my local library, studying until it closes. I realised that I didn't want to go home and that my mum spends about as much time there as I do watching tv (I don't watch tv). 

I haven't had to go grocery shopping in a very long time because we always have the same amount of food. My brother (who has a similar medical history to as me) has relapsed with an eating disorder, has no friends and hasn't left the house in months.

I have friends by I haven't talked to them in months. How does someone manage to play a team sport and avoid making friends?

My teacher told us that 'by semester 2 we would burn ourselves out and probably die' because none of us were prepared for senior year. I just hope I can last that long. Maybe if I just had something to hold onto, to believe in.

Dorcha Aingeal.

Nothing Relevant at all

I'm not a popular person, nor am I particularly hated. Generally I'm the person who is just there, the one who is always around but would never be completely missed if they were gone. This in itself is completely fine, in fact, I like it that way because it gives me the freedom that many people don't have. That is, until you start getting attention from the popular people, or a certain popular person.

I admit to having been in many relationships, but I could never forget that amplified feeling of inadequacy that comes with dating one of those more liked people. When someone says 'you are so pretty,' or 'I envy you,' it is normally the words of single girls towards the person I have decided to attempt a relationship with and you suddenly become an ornament. How you look and behave suddenly reflects on the person in question and it almost feels as if you come from some higher class family that has high social standards. If you are not particularly good looking its a 'you have such a big heart for seeing their personality,' and if you are extremely attractive its whispers of 'what a good catch,' or 'I heard they were a slut.'

Body image begins to play a big deal in your side of the relationship unless you develop a thick skin and having been seen on both sides of the extremer version of the weight scale, sometimes it becomes harder to focus on the person you like. It may seem completely materialistic of me to say these things, but as someone who is usually invisible, suddenly gaining attention is almost terrifying because all of a sudden people can see you. There is no hiding and I can't help but feel like I can never match up to my more popular, smart and good looking partner. Self esteem is such a blessing I don't seem to have.

Pointless Drabble

I often write terrible raps when I have spare time and I just happened to write another poetic disaster:

Conforming, that one major rule of society,
If you have nothing else have have propriety,
If you don't then why the fuck are you here?
You better be ready to live a life of fear.

Chorus: (Sung)
'Cause I, don't really know
What side to show you
Facade, its all just as mask
But you'll never get a clue

Again you asked me, 'how was your day?'
My mechanical reply 'it was really okay,'
But is that the truth that we hold inside,
Or is it a mask that we set up from pride?

Chorus: (Sung)

Kid, I recognise that look in your eye,
It holds so many words and says you could cry.
But toughen up, suck it up, build a brick wall,
To survive in this world, better build it tall

Chorus: (Sung)
Bridge:
We all have our stories
Things we never will tell
We, all have our secrets
I hope you, you hide yours well

Smash, crash, now it's all piles of ash,
This once proud nation has turned into trash.
This castle, this kingdom once touched the skies,
But it came crashing down, a foundation of lies.

Seasons Greetings

I'm never on my blog very often but I'm constantly checking for updates on everyone else's so for one of the few posts of this year I just want to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Tumblr

I'm slightly hyper at the moment as I haven't slept in at least three days which I blame on my Xbox and a certain series of games called the Mass Effect trilogy and the birthday party of a certain friend.

It's now the school holidays and I'm still stuck in February, a lot of people seem to be saying that this year has passed far too quickly and it has perhaps been one of the most eclectic of my high school career. One year left and I'm not looking forward to it in the slightest for a multitude of reasons. These range from simply not wanting responsibility to this being to the only year that could affect how hard or easy my life can be after I graduate. I have friends now, not many, but I'm happy to see them 5 days a week and talk about everything from America's next top model to cute little animals we see. I guess I'll just have to make the most of my time and work as hard as I can because I can't stop the inevitable.

On another note I discovered a movie called Rent from a friend on mine and I must say that I really like it. It was made in 2005 and is based on an a 1990's American Bohemian community. It is a musical but it deals with a range of topics from homosexuality, poverty, AIDS and as one of the songs goes 'anything taboo.' So I definitely recommend it for anyone who actually still reads this blog.

 My mentality has both improved and declined recently, I no longer feel depression but instead I have become more detached if that makes any sense. It's almost as if a wall of glass separates me from the rest of the world. I don't feel events as strongly as I should but I'm also not badly affected by situations like human contact as I normally would be. I don't really eat very much but that's mostly out of forgetfulness than restricting (or at least I hope it is) and that makes being around my family a lot more bearable.

I hope you are all doing well, if not, I'm always here to listen  and do anything I possibly can to help.

Signing out for another year (probably),
Dorcha Aingeal

Measures

Tomorrow I finally made an appointment to see the school counselor, who I have been avoiding for years, in order to go to a short course with a group of people about stress management. She knows about a lot of my mental health history and I really don't want any of my friends to find out more than they already know. I've been coping alright with most aspects of my life for the past few months, with some new friends in the group that I hang out with, actually handing in assignments on time and going to school.

My biggest trigger is always when people find out, because I feel that people gain expectations of me based on the different labels that come with knowing, and that I am forced to try and meet them. This isn't at all rational but part of my mind perceives it as completely true anyway. So as opposed to acceptance or acknowledgement, ignorance has always been my safety blanket. I no longer have a therapist, it was nice to have someone to talk to sometimes but I'm trying to find out how to be as independent as possible.

I have one year left of high school and have the aim to further increase my grades based on the prediction I was given for a final score. I'm not particularly happy with it but I know that if I can achieve what I am while doing assignments the night before and not doing home or school work I obviously have a lot that I can improve on.

From,
Dorcha

A talk of Obsessions

After reading this I began thinking about obsessions that I have, and how they can affect my life. It's a curious thing how a person can become so involved in something that it becomes a habit, a routine or almost a need. Much of my life revolves around these things, and everyone seems to have their own. The news displays obsessions that have gone wrong, or obsessions that have lead to accomplishments.

This can be seen through the portrayal of terrorists, people who commit crimes that cause harm to others in society, or threaten to do so. They are people who have become obsessed with the idea that there is something wrong with the world and it is their job to correct it. These are the obsessions that have been said to have gone wrong.

An example of an accomplished obsession can be seen in many business people, entrepreneurs or students that are described as 'driven.' They are people who are obsessed with achievement in their particular fields and strive to meet all expectations in relation to work. They are the idols in society whether they are admired or ostracized due to their successes and failures.

On a more local level though, many people become obsessed with celebrities, hobbies and other pursuits. These are the obsessions that have lead me to analyzing the pros and cons attached to each of my own and some others that I have noticed in my peers.

Over the course of my blog I have noticed that much of what I write about is the flaws and problems in my life, almost a whine or outlet journal. You may have noticed that I struggle with an eating disorder and it seems to cause me a lot of grief. This is the source of my first obsession.

Food. My relationship with food has always been erratic, switching between love and hatred, starvation and binge. Rather than talk about the pros and cons of food though, I would like to address what I have gained and lost due to this particular obsession. Firstly, I have lost a lot of my life, spending much of it in hospitals and states of depression. It has confined and isolated me from people I have once called friends and made my family life chaotic and temperamental to say the least. It has lead my to the edge of death, through the illness and personal choice and I know it will be with me for the rest of my existence. Now you may be thinking, 'how is there any good associated with this?' Well, even though I have lost a lot, I gained an appreciation of the happy times when they appear. I have been able to decipher who my true friends are and have been strengthened through their continuous support. My family may been broken, but I was finally able to speak clearly about the problems that existed within our system with the mediation that is a psychologist.

I have learned that I can control things and that I can achieve goals if I dedicate myself to them. Finally, my expectations are never low.

Music. My pursuit of music, both through an instrument and through bands, has lead me to many hours of practice and procrastination. It has taken my money because of the merchandise, cds and tickets I feel I need to buy and the dedication to keep up-to-date has left me with less sleep than usual due to their living in other countries. Through this though, I have gained a level of skill in piano and some other instruments as well as being more open minded towards the differences of other cultures and fans.


These are simply two of my obsessions and how they affect my life. Feel free to comment yours.

From,
Dorcha xx

Stressed

Stress keeps piling up on me and it's all caused by my own lack of motivation. This is perhaps that worst I have done in an assignment this year. I have a monologue due tomorrow and I still have 500 words to go in a script I have to learn essentially off by heart. My drive to move is deteriorating and apparently my school is offering stress management classes.... during STUDIES.

That would be incredibly helpful if I actually had a study.