Hope Everyone has a Good 2013

I spent all of new year's eve:

Watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show from beginning to end for the first time in my life. All I can say is let's do the time warp again.

I watched Night at the Proms for the first time as well, it is an Orchestra event that happened sometime in September, normally I'm a person who doesn't like 'normal' classical music but I rather enjoyed it.

I also watched the Popasia new year's special and retreated to my room after attempting to like the music that most of the people I hang out with seem to like. I never was a pop person but there is the occasional song I do like e.g Nu'est and BAP. I just listened to the Gazette, The 69 Eyes, The Cure and watched Code Geass and now it is the New Year.

All of this was accompanied by Pink Lemonade, mochi, candy floss and peaches from a can.

I hope all of you who read this have a good 2013 and you achieve everything on your resolutions and goals lists.

Merry Christmas

I hope everyone has a great Christmas and has fun doing whatever it is they do at this time of year. We have no Christmas tree this year but it doesn't stop my mum forcing us into the same room for 'Happy hour' which is actually a lot longer than an hour. Well I just wanted to wish you the best of wishes and good luck with everything you hope to achieve this year and next :D

New Years Resolutions (in progress)

I just started reading a lot of posts from other bloggers about new years resolutions and I was interested enough to try and think of writing some of my own. It's not quite the new year yet but I'm listing them early so I can get organised and at least try to achieve some or all of them. The idea of having goals might add a little bit of a purpose to my otherwise gamer/anime watcher/musical life.

1. Actually start learning music in my band instead of sitting around every lunch time talking about it.  So far we just do covers of songs we like but we  recently got offered a deal that if we learn some Japanese rock songs well we get use a friends of our's recording studio. I play bass and keyboard, we also have a vocalist, guitarist and drummer who originally all had no idea how to play their instruments so I'm proud. We have an ever changing name which is currently Bloody Crossing I believe.

2. Start attempting to make friends/getting involved with other human beings. This one will probably be the hardest, I do sit with people at school and do basic communication but not much else. I find that I just get tired of being around people and just need to be alone a lot (introvert) but I will try.

3. Get A's in every subject. I used to be a good student before I started skipping classes and living behind the school shed reading books. Now I regret it to the extreme and am going to study seriously and try to get back to what I had. This is for my parents and myself because I know they have been looking down on my grades, they also pay for me to go to learn at school.

4. Try to look better. I don't necessarily mean prettier, I mean most of the things I wear are what you might wear by yourself at home not in the light of day. (Also on that point I should probably fix up my sleeping patterns...) Currently I am slowly giving away small clothes and thrifting for new clothes. I have also started brushing my hair, what is happening to me? haha

Emilie Autumn coming to Australia

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Emilie Autumn is coming to perform her Fight Like a Girl around Australia in March 2013. All shows are 18+ but it's the thought that counts right?

Emilie Autumn Australian Tour

Thu 18 Mar	Metro Theatre	NSW
Fri 19 Mar	The Esplanade Hotel - Gershwin Room	VIC
Sat 20 Mar	The Zoo	QLD

She has been one of my favourite singers and musicians since I was 11 and now finally she is coming to Australia. 

No one that I listen ever comes to Australia, until 2013 where a Dutch band called Epica is also touring here. The world must really be ending, time to get prepared in the bomb shelter (/ ^_^)/

Skyfall

Yesterday I attempted to dye my hair blue, I have tried this before even with bleach and each time my hair seems to reject the dye. It's a bit funny but bleach doesn't even work, the blue ended up dying everything except my actual hair (including a couple of towels). It was an interesting experience and next time I have money I may consider trying a hairdressers.

Today I watched James Bond in Skyfall, it stuck with the classic opening and overall it was a great movie.

There wasn't really a main Bond girl in it but there were several girls throughout, in my opinion there were a bit to many overly emotional stretches but the action was good and there was a few twists and comedic comments that made it better. Trying to figure out what Skyfall was became an adventure on its own and there were some hints before you did find out. Q is back finally and the ending was pretty sad but you expected it to happen.

Overall I would say 7/10

I wore a pair of black platform converse, ripped up tights as an undershirt, black sleeveless shirt, fingerless gloves fashioned from the before mentioned tights and loose black shorts.

Styles and subcultures

(This blog has been really depressing recently from what I've read and I thought I would include some of things that I find interesting and what I'm actually like) Recently I found some styles that I have been quite intrigued about in different alternative styles and subcultures. I have always been defined as alternative by everyone I meet because my taste in music, clothes and likes are always different than everyone else's but I never really looked into it and just took it as a word.

I was going through all the clothes in my wardrobe and found out I own exactly 3 items that aren't plain black, a green summer dress I have never worn, a pair of blue knee length shorts I wear when I do parkour and a red shirt that I diy'ed and have only worn once or twice. My goal is to go through everything throw out whatever is to small, I will never use and cannot be edited into something I would wear, then replace everything I give away.

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My music taste is pretty varied but most if it sticks to rock while the others are from anywhere, I just listen to anything I like. At the moment I listen to The Cure, The Gazette, Girugamesh, Emilie Autumn, Within Temptation, Skillet, Nu'est and Eat You Alive so a mixture of languages as well.

Back to the original subject the styles/subcultures I have been looking into are goth and visual kei which I find both to be interesting. They both have different aspects that I like and would hope to include in my style in future.

(This is my understanding of the different subcultures so don't take my word on it and if I do say something wrong please write it in the comments as well as your definitions of these things)

Goth

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The word often used to describe that kid that hangs out at the cemetery  is depressed or in general, wears a lot of black. This isn't always true, a lot of goths aren't depressed and a lot of depressed people aren't goth also some parts such as cybergoth include a lot of colour into their clothing. Originally said to have started around the 70's with bands like Siouxie (pronounced Suzie) and the Banshees, Bauhaus, Joy Division and the Cure! (Might be associated with the East Germanic Tribe in some way, I don't know) Popular literature is Edgar Allen Poe (I love the poems he wrote) and Bram Stoker for the obvious reason.

Against common knowledge there are actually a lot of types of Goth styles out there such as Trad goths who seem to go for the big backcombed hair and fashion worn around the time goth came into being, cyber goths who wear a lot of neon colours and a more futuristic looks with gas masks and cyberlox, victorians who go for the ball gowns and medieval finery and there are many other types out there and combinations of a few. Fishnets, spikes and platform Demonia/New Rock appear to be common as well.

I like the subculture because of the amount of variety of people, music and fashion involved (as I have been told multiple times by people I know who are goth and give me all kinds of informative lectures about all the things they like about it)

For more information about Goth there is a lot here: http://ultimategothguide.blogspot.com.au/

Visual Kei/Jrock

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Based around music, hair and fashion, this style is about mixing everything you want to and creating all kinds of coordinates and hairstyles that turn out looking amazing. Also started by music with bands such as Luna Sea and X Japan (and a lot of others just naming some very well known ones), visual kei is about making your own style, normally darker themed with black and greys mixed with brighter colours.

 It was started in Japan in the early 1980's, there are other kinds of Kei that are more colourful such as oshare kei. In a lot of Jrock bands I suggest you don't guess a persons gender because you may turn out quite surprised.

Source (Hizaki is a guy)

Popular bands are The Gazette, early Dir En Gray, Girugamesh, Alice Nine and Versailles.

I like this style because of the fashion and great music, as of yet I haven't been able to get the hair quite right but I'm getting there.

Also I'm dying my hair blue on Friday so I hope that turns out well.

Camping

I just came back from going camping today and I can say quite easily that I hate flies and mozzies (proven by the fact that I went through a can of aerogard in 3 days). I went camping near a creek and much to my delight I saw a ray, which completely made my day and I have absolutely no idea why. There was a good view of trees and water as well as some shirtless guys with good muscles ( XD )

It was good to just sit next to a warm fire at night but I didn't like the burning daytime where it reached temperatures of 32 degrees. It was apparently the hottest 4th of December in 11 years so it does explain some things.

I recommend if you ever come to Australia never go camping during the summer. It is just too hot. Other than that it was a nice experience to see the wildlife and to have to survive without an internet connection. I might upload some pictures later.

Hospital

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There have been some comments on my health recently and I just want to answer them here. I don't know what it is called but it is some kind of degradation of the body. Apparently its pretty rare and I have no idea what the cause was. I am going to slowly lose my senses (sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch), they expect me to die by the time I turn 25 years old. Surprising as it seems, it doesn't really concern me and I don't think  I'm going to tell anyone else I know after watching the reaction of one person. She cried for 3 days, then called me a robot, asking how I was so 'calm' about it. I generally suck at reacting to people being sad or any other emotion so I try and keep a blank face in case I accidentally start laughing making the situation. I'm better at expressing myself through my words and writing because of my lack/fail of expressions, hence the need for this blog.

As long as I achieve everything I wanted to ever do before then, or at least half I be content.

Finally over

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School is finally over and as much as I despise it's existence it gives me a purpose to everyday. Just the routine of getting up, half sleeping through classes and blending into society has its own appeal. Now I don't know what I'm going to do for the next 8 weeks. Probably game, sleep and sleep some more. I know a lot of the things I post are depressing and I just want to say, I'm not always that kind of person. I am capable of being somewhat 'happy' sometimes.

There was a party and everyone was so skinny and pretty in their bikinis while I was standing awkwardly in a shirt and shorts. I met another girl there and we just talked for a bit then left. I plan on trying to take a healthy way to weight loss instead of purging or restricting as I have done in the past. I'm not sure how well it will work, but don't say I didn't try.

There are so many people I think I just annoy, I talk to much. Maybe I should just stop talking. No one would notice.

Fuck

Isn't it just the best feeling when you have spent the past 2 weeks in a hell hole called hospital and suddenly you just find out you are going to die before you turn 25? I actually want to live my life but obviously that is not going to happen anytime soon. Apparently I am going to lose my sight, hearing, smell, touch and taste before the end, suicide would be better but I'm going to use my time to the full. Because YODO you only die once.

I have the overwhelming feeling that I just annoy everyone so it doesn't look like anyone is actually going to give a shit about that. Joy for the love of it.

I just hope all the other sick kids in this place get something good out of life. They all deserve it because they never asked for it like I did.

Breaking Dawn

I just went to see Breaking Dawn Pt 2 today and I almost had a breakdown. I looked in the mirrors (the walls at my cinema are mirrors) and what do I see? MY DISGUSTING THIGHS! They never looked that bad before... Kristen Stewart has the best legs in the world, and the perfect body.

To top it all off I just decided to binge, I will exercise and work this off tomorrow when I'm not so bloated. (I will not purge)

She is 5'6" and weighs 105 lbs

And I thought I was better...

I haven't purged in a record number of days so I decided I would weigh myself. I thought I would be fine but obviously not, I forgot I had basically eaten nothing for the past two days due to assignments. Suddenly out of the blue I get a new lowest weight 57.4 kg, I know it's only .2 kg lower than my last one but I just got triggered.

I had lunch still thinking I was fine when I ended up choking out my guts in the toilet, so much for that thought. Looks like I'm back on the path to thin.

Hate everything

Sometimes I just wish I could watch the world burn, I'm so mean and stupid. Is it normal to just hate everyone? Even the simplest things have irritated me recently. Someone knocked off my hat and I was about ready to scream at her because she always does it.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I wish I could just get rid of all my emotions and be apathetic to everything again. Not have to care about anyone or anything, it would be so much better.

I spent the past 2 days binging and I just want it to stop. I won't eat anything for the next two days at least, I'll just have a liquid fast.

Everyone just go away.

I have 2 assignments due tomorrow and I haven't started either of them. I  have to get A+'s or else my mum is going to yell at me again and I have to get good marks to get where I want in life. Away from you.

I just wish everyone would shut up! Leave me alone, I'm just going to stop caring.

Goodbye feels.

I'm better off alone

When people touch my stuff I have a break down...

This is something you should know very well, I have this thing about you borrowing my stuff without permission. Some of that stuff is one of a kind or extremely special to me, you could have asked. No of course you forgot to, like usual. Why am I not surprised?

You said that you promised to wait, that you would be there...

How come I didn't see you? All you could say was 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry it not like I killed someone.' Maybe breaking a promise for me is worse than killing someone. I don't trust very many people and if I hang around them for more than 2 years they definitely mean something to me. A promise is something you only make when you are sure with complete conviction that you will do it or make good on it. Obviously you weren't listening to me when I explained to you just how seriously I took them.

I'm sorry, I forgot...

I might accept that the first 3 times but after that? You don't have amnesia so I don't see how you have an issue remembering things that are important to me like my best friend committing suicide and how that death is a soft topic for me. While you can remember every answer about everyone else? Okay, I get it now, you don't care anymore. You could have at least told me that I just annoyed you, you went as far as calling me your sister, not anymore.

Goodbye.

And there I go again...

I binged today because I think my part time friend is anorexic and I was trying to get her to eat. I feel honestly, like crap. My stomach I full and disgustingly bulgy, also my good mood from yesterday's Supernova festival has completely washed away.

I was busy watching all these beautiful skinny people dress up as anime, game and tv show characters. It only just hit me that if I ever want to look good in cosplay I'm going to have to lose this weight before next years event. Some people and I decided to do a group cosplay of Ouran High Host Club and I just happen to be Haruhi because I'm short.

As you can see above I now have some extreme motivation to start losing before next year. By the way Haruhi is actually a girl who has to dress as a boy to maintain her position in the host club. She also is very flat, has an obvious thigh gap and collar bones. My aspiration now is to look like her in at least body shape.

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A girl called Reiza (Part 4)

Reiza slowly rose to her feet when the bell for first period rang and lugged her textbooks to her first class, History. She strolled at her own pace down the crowded halls appearing oblivious to the world as she sidestepped her way through the mob to her classroom. She pushed open the door and walked to take a seat at the back corner of the room. She started pulling out her books waiting for someone to arrive. Eventually the class filled up and she spent the lesson tuning in and out of focus.
'World war 2...'
'...Hitler..'
She fell asleep only to be woken when a shadow loomed over her desk.
'The class room is no place to be sleeping, you better get going because I have lunch duty.' A short stout lady be the name of Mrs Hendricks squawked in her bird like voice.

Reiza groaned, gathered up her pen that had fallen to the ground and left the room heading into the hallway. She made it back to her locker and grabbed a Mars bar, ate it then dashed to the toilets. She carefully checked if it was empty went into a cubicle and bent over the toilet seat before pushing her finger down her throat forcing herself to gag. She purge until she only saw blood before she sat down on the stained floor for a moment before going out to the sinks and cleaning herself up. She took a swig of water and gargled removing the gunk from her teeth .

I hate this, I hate myself, I hate everyone, she glanced up at the mirror in front of her and almost punched the glass in disgust. Fat, ugly, lose some weight! Her mind screamed at her and she ran out of the bathroom. Sprinting between rows of people trying to find oblivion.

The Observer

I find that recently I have become an observer of sorts. I just look around and notice everything, everything people say, everything I see, everything I feel. Its funny how many people might say things to you in a corridor as the run to their next class. They say 'Hey,' and do things that most people would probably take for granted.

As an observer I don't react, I just take note of everything for later use as an informant. Call me a horrible person but its the only thing I know how to do, that and purging which I seem to have been doing a lot recently. For some reason I have actually been gaining weight maybe I'll just stop eating. Its not like anyone would actually care if I disappeared or ran away, I'm a nobody that just exists. I get to go to a festival for anime, tv shows and music tomorrow and dressing up just highlights how overweight I am. I want to be able to look good in cosplay, for once in my life actually be talented at something good.

Gonna make them regret the day they called me fat!

I'm sick of everyone always saying 'she's so fat' even as a joke, I'm going to make them regret ever saying that to me.

That great feeling...

Isn't it just awesome when some girl you really don't like calls someone you thought was your best friend, their best friend? Suddenly, I know its true I'm a really mean person, all I do is insult everyone. I'm boring, all I can talk about is jrock, rock and anime (I don't really have any knowledge of other topics), I get bored of people easily, I'm manipulative, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm critical and pushy. Everything that people don't want in a friend.

Maybe I should just let her go and be by myself, then no one can hurt me or anyone else. No one really wants me around I just annoy them, by breathing and existing. I just want to stay in my own little wonderland where everything is exactly how I want it, with all my monsters, me and no one else.

I don't understand

Over that past few days I haven't quite been able to tell if some of these people were lying or telling to truth...
'You look like a cute puppy when you laugh.' Wtf?
'I would describe you as unnecessarily cruel.' Believable
'Sometimes you look like you just don't care so you remind me of a robot.' Fair Enough
After saying I wanted to buy some panda onesies, 'You would be a fat panda.' This one just pisses me off but at the time I could only think, if I'm fat then what are you? A whale? I know its mean but she weighs 3x me and is only a head taller. I can't help believe her though, I am fat.
'Your so fat.' From my mom and brother. Great family support.

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Weight Goal

My ultimate goal weight is 105 lbs from now on, it may seem pretty underweight but for my height it is only just under. Exactly where I want to be. I recently got an idea from another blog that I follow, to keep a money bank that you have to crack open or use a can opener to get to and only open it when I first get to 114 lbs as a reward. I think it will be a good motivation so I can't actually buy anything until I lose the weight.

It will be saving money while becoming skinny, two birds with one stone. I currently weigh 130 lbs so I am fat like you have no idea.

A girl called Reiza (Part 3)

The bus rattled on down the road to the place called school as Reiza held onto her grey duffel bag and looked out the window. Everyone is just starting to wake up at this time, school isn't normal, She thought to herself ignoring her surroundings as someone, obviously new decided to sit next to her.
'Hey,' Came an unwelcome sound from over her shoulder and she dismissed it pressing her lips together just slightly to stop herself from talking.
'Hello..' The voice said a little more hesitantly before the vehicle jerked to a halt and Reiza leaped out of her seat as if she had sat on something hot and dashed down the steps, into the prison of a place she would have to spend her day in. She headed to her locker passed a familiar girl who just happened to be crying with a friend at her shoulder. Minding her own business she couldn't help but notice, the girl is so damn pretty, wish I was like her.

She pulled out the books she would need for her first class and hid in the library until the first bell rung. She had been 'studying', actually she had been listening into everyone's conversations because with no friends of her own she still liked to be informed with what was going on. She was invisible after all, its not like anyone would actually notice her presence.

Purge

I purged for the first time in a very long time today and... it was so easy. I just stuck my fingers down my throat and the food just came up from my stomach. It doesn't even burn, it's just like spitting in a sink or something. I didn't do it for long, I hated myself as soon as I started. Why did I do it? I really don't want to go back to every day of my life depending on chucking up every meal I eat. I have a slight headache but I'm otherwise fine as if nothing even happened.

Fuck this life! I don't want to do this anymore. I hate it but I know I'm not going to do anything to stop it, why did my own mum and brother call me fat? Now I know I am. Again.

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Adam

Wow, I never realized just how unreliable and crap a friend I am. I used to talk to a guy called Adam a lot then every now and then I would get tired of him avoid him for a few months then go back to talking like nothing had ever happened. It's a long distance relationship and I don't even really know him but he is a perv in a funny way, he games like I do and is an interesting conversationalist. I'm surprised he actually talked to me and now and fear he will never talk to me again. This in probably the 5th time I have just not contacted him so I'm wondering if he will respond. So much had happened since then and he is 22 years old.

I became EDNOS, schizophrenic, bipolar, have despersonalization, OCD and apparently antisocial personality disorder. Go me! The magically insane one, thank you so much councilors for ruining my perfect life! They all diagnose me with different things as listed above and I'm just like make up your mind!

I miss Adam, he is the only person I have ever gone back to every time.

Disgusting

I feel so disgusting and fat, one of these days I know I am just going to start purging again, I don't want that to happen. I'm only 14. I hate feeling full because I know my stomach is getting bigger and I will eat more and I will get fat. Fat, disgustingly, horribly fat. I'm seriously having a break down but I won't tell anyone I don't want to hurt my family, I don't want them to doubt me and have to be careful around me. Go away Mia your not welcome here anymore. The lowest I've ever been was 38kg at 156 cm and now I'm 58kg at 160 cm I'm a big pile of fat. I need to lose this weight no matter what.

I will restrict, but I will not purge, not again, not anymore. I even know I'm just lying to myself, that I'm deceiving myself with false delusions but I don't want to have to count my calories and worry about these things like I did when I was 12. I just need to be skinnier and perfect.

The Thing About You

This is just a story that found today, I can somewhat relate and its a story about a girl recovering from anorexia and self harm. The girl, Kaia had a hard life as a child and this affected her leading to her disorders. It's a beautiful story I would definitely recommend.

http://www.wattpad.com/1392155-the-thing-about-you-prologue

I am also currently procrastinating because I really don't want to do my ton of assignments that are due this week.

A girl called Reiza (Part 2)

All to soon, she heard the thumping of footsteps in the hall outside of where Reiza hid in her few moments of privacy. She breathed deeply then screwed the knob for the water and the pounding stream slowed to a stop. She used the wall as a support and levered herself out of the shower, her eyes barely open. She was tired, drawn, numb but still she walked over to the sink to swipe her hand over the fogged up mirror.

A million words sprung to her mind as she glanced at her reflection and her faced contorted in disgust.So fat and ugly, looks like I'm  going to have to starve again. She looked down and saw her latest engraving that had burnt so much under the running water 'fake,' exactly what she was. A lying fake. She glanced away and quickly dressed before doing everything she could to get ready to face she day. She ignored everything her mind tried to scream at her, almost shouting to herself, 'Shut up!' She couldn't do that though, she didn't yell, didn't do anything.

Reiza drew back the corners of her lips into what could pass as a smile and left it there hiding her true feelings. She waited until she knew she would have to skip breakfast to catch her bus and dashed passed the kitchen where the smells of a cooking breakfast released a chorus of rumbles from her stomach.
'Aren't you going to eat?' Her mother asked as she ran towards the front door.
'Not enough time!' She yelled and grabbed her school bag before sprinting from the threshold not wanting to look at her family. Her legs took her down the street and she jumped onto the bus that had just arrived to take her where she least wanted to go.

Oh the joy! She thought to herself sarcastically and slid into an empty seat away from everyone else who was packed at the back of the bus like a can of sardines. She didn't need friends, she had enough trouble coping as it was.

Every now and then something brightens my day...