Hospital

Source

There have been some comments on my health recently and I just want to answer them here. I don't know what it is called but it is some kind of degradation of the body. Apparently its pretty rare and I have no idea what the cause was. I am going to slowly lose my senses (sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch), they expect me to die by the time I turn 25 years old. Surprising as it seems, it doesn't really concern me and I don't think  I'm going to tell anyone else I know after watching the reaction of one person. She cried for 3 days, then called me a robot, asking how I was so 'calm' about it. I generally suck at reacting to people being sad or any other emotion so I try and keep a blank face in case I accidentally start laughing making the situation. I'm better at expressing myself through my words and writing because of my lack/fail of expressions, hence the need for this blog.

As long as I achieve everything I wanted to ever do before then, or at least half I be content.

Finally over

Source

School is finally over and as much as I despise it's existence it gives me a purpose to everyday. Just the routine of getting up, half sleeping through classes and blending into society has its own appeal. Now I don't know what I'm going to do for the next 8 weeks. Probably game, sleep and sleep some more. I know a lot of the things I post are depressing and I just want to say, I'm not always that kind of person. I am capable of being somewhat 'happy' sometimes.

There was a party and everyone was so skinny and pretty in their bikinis while I was standing awkwardly in a shirt and shorts. I met another girl there and we just talked for a bit then left. I plan on trying to take a healthy way to weight loss instead of purging or restricting as I have done in the past. I'm not sure how well it will work, but don't say I didn't try.

There are so many people I think I just annoy, I talk to much. Maybe I should just stop talking. No one would notice.

Fuck

Isn't it just the best feeling when you have spent the past 2 weeks in a hell hole called hospital and suddenly you just find out you are going to die before you turn 25? I actually want to live my life but obviously that is not going to happen anytime soon. Apparently I am going to lose my sight, hearing, smell, touch and taste before the end, suicide would be better but I'm going to use my time to the full. Because YODO you only die once.

I have the overwhelming feeling that I just annoy everyone so it doesn't look like anyone is actually going to give a shit about that. Joy for the love of it.

I just hope all the other sick kids in this place get something good out of life. They all deserve it because they never asked for it like I did.

Breaking Dawn

I just went to see Breaking Dawn Pt 2 today and I almost had a breakdown. I looked in the mirrors (the walls at my cinema are mirrors) and what do I see? MY DISGUSTING THIGHS! They never looked that bad before... Kristen Stewart has the best legs in the world, and the perfect body.

To top it all off I just decided to binge, I will exercise and work this off tomorrow when I'm not so bloated. (I will not purge)

She is 5'6" and weighs 105 lbs

And I thought I was better...

I haven't purged in a record number of days so I decided I would weigh myself. I thought I would be fine but obviously not, I forgot I had basically eaten nothing for the past two days due to assignments. Suddenly out of the blue I get a new lowest weight 57.4 kg, I know it's only .2 kg lower than my last one but I just got triggered.

I had lunch still thinking I was fine when I ended up choking out my guts in the toilet, so much for that thought. Looks like I'm back on the path to thin.

Hate everything

Sometimes I just wish I could watch the world burn, I'm so mean and stupid. Is it normal to just hate everyone? Even the simplest things have irritated me recently. Someone knocked off my hat and I was about ready to scream at her because she always does it.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I wish I could just get rid of all my emotions and be apathetic to everything again. Not have to care about anyone or anything, it would be so much better.

I spent the past 2 days binging and I just want it to stop. I won't eat anything for the next two days at least, I'll just have a liquid fast.

Everyone just go away.

I have 2 assignments due tomorrow and I haven't started either of them. I  have to get A+'s or else my mum is going to yell at me again and I have to get good marks to get where I want in life. Away from you.

I just wish everyone would shut up! Leave me alone, I'm just going to stop caring.

Goodbye feels.

I'm better off alone

When people touch my stuff I have a break down...

This is something you should know very well, I have this thing about you borrowing my stuff without permission. Some of that stuff is one of a kind or extremely special to me, you could have asked. No of course you forgot to, like usual. Why am I not surprised?

You said that you promised to wait, that you would be there...

How come I didn't see you? All you could say was 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry it not like I killed someone.' Maybe breaking a promise for me is worse than killing someone. I don't trust very many people and if I hang around them for more than 2 years they definitely mean something to me. A promise is something you only make when you are sure with complete conviction that you will do it or make good on it. Obviously you weren't listening to me when I explained to you just how seriously I took them.

I'm sorry, I forgot...

I might accept that the first 3 times but after that? You don't have amnesia so I don't see how you have an issue remembering things that are important to me like my best friend committing suicide and how that death is a soft topic for me. While you can remember every answer about everyone else? Okay, I get it now, you don't care anymore. You could have at least told me that I just annoyed you, you went as far as calling me your sister, not anymore.

Goodbye.

And there I go again...

I binged today because I think my part time friend is anorexic and I was trying to get her to eat. I feel honestly, like crap. My stomach I full and disgustingly bulgy, also my good mood from yesterday's Supernova festival has completely washed away.

I was busy watching all these beautiful skinny people dress up as anime, game and tv show characters. It only just hit me that if I ever want to look good in cosplay I'm going to have to lose this weight before next years event. Some people and I decided to do a group cosplay of Ouran High Host Club and I just happen to be Haruhi because I'm short.

As you can see above I now have some extreme motivation to start losing before next year. By the way Haruhi is actually a girl who has to dress as a boy to maintain her position in the host club. She also is very flat, has an obvious thigh gap and collar bones. My aspiration now is to look like her in at least body shape.

Source

A girl called Reiza (Part 4)

Reiza slowly rose to her feet when the bell for first period rang and lugged her textbooks to her first class, History. She strolled at her own pace down the crowded halls appearing oblivious to the world as she sidestepped her way through the mob to her classroom. She pushed open the door and walked to take a seat at the back corner of the room. She started pulling out her books waiting for someone to arrive. Eventually the class filled up and she spent the lesson tuning in and out of focus.
'World war 2...'
'...Hitler..'
She fell asleep only to be woken when a shadow loomed over her desk.
'The class room is no place to be sleeping, you better get going because I have lunch duty.' A short stout lady be the name of Mrs Hendricks squawked in her bird like voice.

Reiza groaned, gathered up her pen that had fallen to the ground and left the room heading into the hallway. She made it back to her locker and grabbed a Mars bar, ate it then dashed to the toilets. She carefully checked if it was empty went into a cubicle and bent over the toilet seat before pushing her finger down her throat forcing herself to gag. She purge until she only saw blood before she sat down on the stained floor for a moment before going out to the sinks and cleaning herself up. She took a swig of water and gargled removing the gunk from her teeth .

I hate this, I hate myself, I hate everyone, she glanced up at the mirror in front of her and almost punched the glass in disgust. Fat, ugly, lose some weight! Her mind screamed at her and she ran out of the bathroom. Sprinting between rows of people trying to find oblivion.

The Observer

I find that recently I have become an observer of sorts. I just look around and notice everything, everything people say, everything I see, everything I feel. Its funny how many people might say things to you in a corridor as the run to their next class. They say 'Hey,' and do things that most people would probably take for granted.

As an observer I don't react, I just take note of everything for later use as an informant. Call me a horrible person but its the only thing I know how to do, that and purging which I seem to have been doing a lot recently. For some reason I have actually been gaining weight maybe I'll just stop eating. Its not like anyone would actually care if I disappeared or ran away, I'm a nobody that just exists. I get to go to a festival for anime, tv shows and music tomorrow and dressing up just highlights how overweight I am. I want to be able to look good in cosplay, for once in my life actually be talented at something good.

Gonna make them regret the day they called me fat!

I'm sick of everyone always saying 'she's so fat' even as a joke, I'm going to make them regret ever saying that to me.

That great feeling...

Isn't it just awesome when some girl you really don't like calls someone you thought was your best friend, their best friend? Suddenly, I know its true I'm a really mean person, all I do is insult everyone. I'm boring, all I can talk about is jrock, rock and anime (I don't really have any knowledge of other topics), I get bored of people easily, I'm manipulative, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm critical and pushy. Everything that people don't want in a friend.

Maybe I should just let her go and be by myself, then no one can hurt me or anyone else. No one really wants me around I just annoy them, by breathing and existing. I just want to stay in my own little wonderland where everything is exactly how I want it, with all my monsters, me and no one else.

I don't understand

Over that past few days I haven't quite been able to tell if some of these people were lying or telling to truth...
'You look like a cute puppy when you laugh.' Wtf?
'I would describe you as unnecessarily cruel.' Believable
'Sometimes you look like you just don't care so you remind me of a robot.' Fair Enough
After saying I wanted to buy some panda onesies, 'You would be a fat panda.' This one just pisses me off but at the time I could only think, if I'm fat then what are you? A whale? I know its mean but she weighs 3x me and is only a head taller. I can't help believe her though, I am fat.
'Your so fat.' From my mom and brother. Great family support.

Source

Weight Goal

My ultimate goal weight is 105 lbs from now on, it may seem pretty underweight but for my height it is only just under. Exactly where I want to be. I recently got an idea from another blog that I follow, to keep a money bank that you have to crack open or use a can opener to get to and only open it when I first get to 114 lbs as a reward. I think it will be a good motivation so I can't actually buy anything until I lose the weight.

It will be saving money while becoming skinny, two birds with one stone. I currently weigh 130 lbs so I am fat like you have no idea.

A girl called Reiza (Part 3)

The bus rattled on down the road to the place called school as Reiza held onto her grey duffel bag and looked out the window. Everyone is just starting to wake up at this time, school isn't normal, She thought to herself ignoring her surroundings as someone, obviously new decided to sit next to her.
'Hey,' Came an unwelcome sound from over her shoulder and she dismissed it pressing her lips together just slightly to stop herself from talking.
'Hello..' The voice said a little more hesitantly before the vehicle jerked to a halt and Reiza leaped out of her seat as if she had sat on something hot and dashed down the steps, into the prison of a place she would have to spend her day in. She headed to her locker passed a familiar girl who just happened to be crying with a friend at her shoulder. Minding her own business she couldn't help but notice, the girl is so damn pretty, wish I was like her.

She pulled out the books she would need for her first class and hid in the library until the first bell rung. She had been 'studying', actually she had been listening into everyone's conversations because with no friends of her own she still liked to be informed with what was going on. She was invisible after all, its not like anyone would actually notice her presence.

Purge

I purged for the first time in a very long time today and... it was so easy. I just stuck my fingers down my throat and the food just came up from my stomach. It doesn't even burn, it's just like spitting in a sink or something. I didn't do it for long, I hated myself as soon as I started. Why did I do it? I really don't want to go back to every day of my life depending on chucking up every meal I eat. I have a slight headache but I'm otherwise fine as if nothing even happened.

Fuck this life! I don't want to do this anymore. I hate it but I know I'm not going to do anything to stop it, why did my own mum and brother call me fat? Now I know I am. Again.

Source

Adam

Wow, I never realized just how unreliable and crap a friend I am. I used to talk to a guy called Adam a lot then every now and then I would get tired of him avoid him for a few months then go back to talking like nothing had ever happened. It's a long distance relationship and I don't even really know him but he is a perv in a funny way, he games like I do and is an interesting conversationalist. I'm surprised he actually talked to me and now and fear he will never talk to me again. This in probably the 5th time I have just not contacted him so I'm wondering if he will respond. So much had happened since then and he is 22 years old.

I became EDNOS, schizophrenic, bipolar, have despersonalization, OCD and apparently antisocial personality disorder. Go me! The magically insane one, thank you so much councilors for ruining my perfect life! They all diagnose me with different things as listed above and I'm just like make up your mind!

I miss Adam, he is the only person I have ever gone back to every time.

Disgusting

I feel so disgusting and fat, one of these days I know I am just going to start purging again, I don't want that to happen. I'm only 14. I hate feeling full because I know my stomach is getting bigger and I will eat more and I will get fat. Fat, disgustingly, horribly fat. I'm seriously having a break down but I won't tell anyone I don't want to hurt my family, I don't want them to doubt me and have to be careful around me. Go away Mia your not welcome here anymore. The lowest I've ever been was 38kg at 156 cm and now I'm 58kg at 160 cm I'm a big pile of fat. I need to lose this weight no matter what.

I will restrict, but I will not purge, not again, not anymore. I even know I'm just lying to myself, that I'm deceiving myself with false delusions but I don't want to have to count my calories and worry about these things like I did when I was 12. I just need to be skinnier and perfect.

The Thing About You

This is just a story that found today, I can somewhat relate and its a story about a girl recovering from anorexia and self harm. The girl, Kaia had a hard life as a child and this affected her leading to her disorders. It's a beautiful story I would definitely recommend.

http://www.wattpad.com/1392155-the-thing-about-you-prologue

I am also currently procrastinating because I really don't want to do my ton of assignments that are due this week.

A girl called Reiza (Part 2)

All to soon, she heard the thumping of footsteps in the hall outside of where Reiza hid in her few moments of privacy. She breathed deeply then screwed the knob for the water and the pounding stream slowed to a stop. She used the wall as a support and levered herself out of the shower, her eyes barely open. She was tired, drawn, numb but still she walked over to the sink to swipe her hand over the fogged up mirror.

A million words sprung to her mind as she glanced at her reflection and her faced contorted in disgust.So fat and ugly, looks like I'm  going to have to starve again. She looked down and saw her latest engraving that had burnt so much under the running water 'fake,' exactly what she was. A lying fake. She glanced away and quickly dressed before doing everything she could to get ready to face she day. She ignored everything her mind tried to scream at her, almost shouting to herself, 'Shut up!' She couldn't do that though, she didn't yell, didn't do anything.

Reiza drew back the corners of her lips into what could pass as a smile and left it there hiding her true feelings. She waited until she knew she would have to skip breakfast to catch her bus and dashed passed the kitchen where the smells of a cooking breakfast released a chorus of rumbles from her stomach.
'Aren't you going to eat?' Her mother asked as she ran towards the front door.
'Not enough time!' She yelled and grabbed her school bag before sprinting from the threshold not wanting to look at her family. Her legs took her down the street and she jumped onto the bus that had just arrived to take her where she least wanted to go.

Oh the joy! She thought to herself sarcastically and slid into an empty seat away from everyone else who was packed at the back of the bus like a can of sardines. She didn't need friends, she had enough trouble coping as it was.

Every now and then something brightens my day...

NU’EST – FACE Lyrics

English Translation:

You’re in my way stupid, what are you saying
The insides of your head is so light that you words are like feathers too
In this small, palm-sized place
You search for the Himalayas but I’m different

Hey, you’re gonna get hurt – move, you’re gonna get hurt
Sometimes being too courageous is a problem
Shout out, shout out to ask to save you
If not, from now on, watch closely

The bursting out jackpot – no matter what anyone says – so what
This is the difference between me and you
The bursting out jackpot – till we finish, we can’t stop
You always find out that it hurts after it shatters
That’s what you’re only at that spot

This showmanship that you’ve already learned
The friendship that you’ve already thrown away
Yes, go somewhere and show that off
You learn bad things faster than anyone else, shh!

You struggling stupid – are you okay?
If you wanna go home, tell me, I’ll send you off
I won’t make fun of you in the end – hey wassup loser
At your status, I’ll just click the “like it”

Hey, you’re gonna get hurt – move, you’re gonna get hurt
Sometimes being too courageous is a problem
Shout out, shout out to ask to save you
If not, from now on, watch closely

The bursting out jackpot – no matter what anyone says – so what
This is the difference between me and you
The bursting out jackpot – till we finish, we can’t stop
You always find out that it hurts after it shatters
That’s what you’re only at that spot

What are you basing your actions on? Tut tut
Exactly what did you learn that you’re so full of energy?
The news is the same, but only the age is different
You don’t know why we’re like this

The bursting out jackpot – no matter what anyone says – so what
This is the difference between me and you
The bursting out jackpot – till we finish, we can’t stop
You always find out that it hurts after it shatters

The bursting out jackpot – no matter what anyone says – so what
This is the difference between me and you
The bursting out jackpot – till we finish, we can’t stop
You always find out that it hurts after it shatters
That’s what you’re only at that spot

If you look down on people, it’s bitter
There’s nothing to see below
There’s no one
Even if you jump, you’re just a flea
Even if you demand, you’re just a spot in front of me

This is a story about a dwarf and giant
But it`s gonna end just like David and Goliath
Keep up with my pace, if you can
Don’t lag Wil E.Coyote cuz I’m Road Runner, fast!

Read more: http://www.kpoplyrics.net/nuest-face-lyrics-english-romanized.html#ixzz2AxpbTM1f 

If anyone knows B.A.P

This is one hell of a sad fanfic and I'm currently having a break down because of it. It includes all of the members of B.A.P and Block B. It has rape, manipulation and it is really sad, you can't help but feel sorry for Yongguk.

Zelo is evil in this.

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/280960/it-was-just-a-game-smut-zelo-bangzelo-bap-banglo

Can You Hear Me Now?

May be triggering.

There once was a girl with dark brown hair, she tried and tried but was never quite there. Her sister was better than her, she could tell her parents were always comparing them and her sister was always chosen on top. That's when her silent screams began. She started a blog and began making videos about how she felt. She was deep in depression but she never turned to self harm, instead her mind took an even darker aspect. Sometimes she would grab out a piece of paper and write 'To my family,' then she would rip it into pieces and throw it away, why would they care? When she tried talking to her family they changed the subject or gave her a lecture and were never really listening. She began planning something, something that would make them hear her, something they couldn't ignore. A train? No someone might grab her arm and pull her out of the way and it might be to public. A car? It might not work and she might just be sent to hospital. The water? No it would be to hard to keep herself under. Finally she settled on a final choice and that night at dinner she hugged her parents before they sent her off to bed already distracted by one of her sister's new awards. Instead of going to bed though she walked straight passed her room and to the front door of their unit. She pushed open the door and walked to the end of the hallway before she began the long climb up the stairs. She reached the top and shielded her face with her hand as a gust of wind sent her hair whipping around her face. She glanced around at the roof that she had walked onto and stepped up to the edge.  She took a deep breath and leaped before she could back down. The last thought in her head was, can you hear me now?

She died almost instantly as she crumpled to the ground. No one found her till the morning when her dad went down the staircase from their apartment to go to work. He kissed his favourite daughter goodbye and opened the front door only to be greeted by the dead body of his other child. He dropped his briefcase and ran to her already knowing she was dead. 'Why?' He whispered his voice coarse as rivers of tears began streaming down his face. A whimpering behind him made him glance back to see his one living daughter burst into tears and run up the stair screaming for her mother.  Moments later the girl's mother appeared and her face contorted into an expression of pure pain as she murmured, 'How could you do this to your sister?'

They called an emergency number and the girl's body was picked up and her funeral was planned. The only thought her parents had were how is our living daughter going to cope? They never spared a thought for her or why she had died.

After a year had passed, when the remaining daughter began her 9th year of school she decided to go into her old sister's room and clean it out from it's now dusty untouched state. She opened the door disturbing the musty air and walked over to the desk on the opposite side of the room. She pulled out a drawer to reveal a book which had obviously been a diary. She flicked open to the first page and saw an internet address, a password and a username. She shrugged and booted up the computer before typing in the details. Her mouth slid open as she froze in shock and read the page. Her shoulders began shaking gently as she cried. Her parents noticed the open door and went into the room before they to began crying. 'I tried talking to them today but like usual they didn't listen to me. If they once actually looked at me they would see something was wrong, instead of always looking at her…' 'I'm going to die today then maybe they will hear me, maybe then I won't be invisible to them anymore but somehow I doubt they would care. They're to obsessed with her…' As they read the page they suddenly realised everything and why their daughter had died. They all blamed themselves.

The living daughter started cutting and became anorexic, the mother suffered from severe depression and the father, well, he followed his previous daughter's footsteps after months of fighting his thoughts. Can you hear me now? The last thought reverberating through the air, echoing in their lives.

A girl called Reiza (Part 1)

May be triggering.

Reiza snapped open her eyes and rolled off her soft bed only to land with a thump on the floor far below. She let out a groan as she blinked the sleep from her eyes and glanced up at her top bunk bed. The fall was going to leave a bruise on her knees.
'Damn, that's got to hurt in the morning,' She muttered looking at the alarm clock that had been the cause of her waking up. Alarm clock? Why is my alarm clock on? 

Her eyes widened as she remembered, monday. Another day in that hell hole referred to as a school, where everyone was supposed to learn and make friends. In reality it was just an excuse for other people to bully everyone and spread rumors that couldn't possibly be true. Making everyone's life even worse than it already was.

Reiza sighed and shrugged her shoulders before collecting her uniform and jumper. She slowly made her way out of her bedroom and dragged her feet as she headed to the shower. Once she was inside the cream colored room she slid to the tiled floor and sat drowsing off for a moment before forcing herself to undress and turn on the water. When the shower it was leaking steam everywhere she went inside yanking the curtain shut behind her and sat down letting the hot water run down her shoulders, across her back. It stung as the liquid hit her legs becoming redder as it collected the blood from her most recent cuts.

Yes, that was her secret. One she had been hiding for a time, even from her own parents. She couldn't stand to ruin their lives and the only reason she didn't see anyone was because she had no one she really trusted. Not anymore, so she endured in silence taking one breath at a time. She closed her eyes and let her pain wash away.