Dumb

You have no idea how dumb I am, completely utterly. I didn't try at all last term and got C's then at the end I did and got A+'s you see? I can do it I just have to try. I procrastinate like you have no idea, I am such a failure. Everyone I know received awards for academic excellence except for me, useless, useless me. I will get better, I will be the best no matter what.

I hate people, there is this girl that just clings to me and hugs me everyday, don't people realize I hate being touched? I can't stand it, say anything you want just don't touch me, my stuff or my perfect world. A place I can pretend everything is fine before having to return to the reality of the past. Amaya's dead deal with it, no matter how much you didn't want it to happen, it did.

Why can't people leave me alone? I know I'm not good enough. You think I don't know that? I don't study, I suck at sport, I'm not skinny, I'm not pretty, I'm not funny, I'm not real, I'm a very good actor, I'm a nerd, I like reading and I don't kiss anyone. I don't care anymore, just stay away from my mind, the only thing I have left to myself.

It's kind of funny how after the first time you try to commit suicide, cut yourself bad enough, or starve yourself long enough to end up in hospital. The world suddenly changes, people are careful around you and everything is clearer. I never really wanted to die, I just didn't want to do anything. Originally I only starved because I couldn't be bothered to eat, I failed in school because I couldn't be bothered to go to do exams, I cut because I just couldn't be bothered to find paper, I attempted suicide because I couldn't be bothered to live, I was apathetic because I couldn't be bothered to show emotions, I didn't do anything because I couldn't be bothered. Now all those feelings are slowly coming back after so long having to deal with blinding reality and feelings.

Goodbye reality, welcome back wonderland.