It's strange when you set a date for something final, you suddenly feel like you are at peace.
It's almost like you can justify everything that happens to you, everything that you do to yourself.
All those days you sit down and cry or feel nothing just stop and you can go into a trance like state.
Wake up. Move. Smile. Act. Sleep.
No matter how irrational it is, you suddenly have a reason for the self destruction and everything that is wrong in your head.
You don't have to care about your actions because appearances no longer matter, you won't have to see the impacts and effects.
You finally open your eyes and see what is really around you because there are no problems to stop you from seeing.
You see the colours, the little signs people give off about themselves, you see the words on a page and understand the meaning.
You get a personality again and everyone thinks you are better when you're really the worst you've ever been.
But you're really just waiting thinking, 'I wonder if you can see me,' because your mask is so thin.
You're not really there, detached from the world by a sheet of glass because you're not really there anymore.
When everyone becomes you're 'friend' again you can't help but want to yell, 'Where were you when I needed you most? Why are you back now? How could you be so cruel?'
The waiting game,
Dorcha Aingeal
Monday, 23 December 2013
Friday, 20 December 2013
Neglect and Experience
My original intent for this blog was for it to be a place where I actually blogged and posted about anything that I wanted to post, that hasn't really worked so I'm hoping to get into a habit of about one post a week.
As an update, it is now the school holidays and I'm another year older. I went on a trip to Jakarta, Indonesia for two weeks and discovered a lot of new things such as cheap shopping and new cultural practices that I had never even thought about. I became right handed for the duration of the stay because it was polite and I also tried frog legs and some other strange foods that ended up upsetting my stomach for a couple of days.
My mum and I stayed both in the city and the country where I went on a safari and was able to feed animals with carrots through a window. A lhama decided to leave a line of slobber on the glass. There was a lion in the middle of the road there which was interesting to navigate.
In the city I went to a restaurant where we sat in a square pavilion that had a table and floated on a pond full of fish and turtles.The entire time we stayed with friends and family so we didn't have to pay for accommodation so that allowed us to spend our money on other things. I also learned how to make soft toys and try to sell them in a place where I didn't speak the language and there was so many interesting people.
The overall experience was nice and I would definitely do it again in a few years.
From, Dorcha Aingeal
As an update, it is now the school holidays and I'm another year older. I went on a trip to Jakarta, Indonesia for two weeks and discovered a lot of new things such as cheap shopping and new cultural practices that I had never even thought about. I became right handed for the duration of the stay because it was polite and I also tried frog legs and some other strange foods that ended up upsetting my stomach for a couple of days.
My mum and I stayed both in the city and the country where I went on a safari and was able to feed animals with carrots through a window. A lhama decided to leave a line of slobber on the glass. There was a lion in the middle of the road there which was interesting to navigate.
In the city I went to a restaurant where we sat in a square pavilion that had a table and floated on a pond full of fish and turtles.The entire time we stayed with friends and family so we didn't have to pay for accommodation so that allowed us to spend our money on other things. I also learned how to make soft toys and try to sell them in a place where I didn't speak the language and there was so many interesting people.
The overall experience was nice and I would definitely do it again in a few years.
From, Dorcha Aingeal
Sunday, 23 June 2013
A Glimmer of hope
It's been a while once again, I really suck at this blogging thing because all I ever seem to do is complain but it really is good for letting things out. Since I was last here I have slowly started gaining control of my diet by introducing rules such as; only eat at the table, this one helped because I did a lot of my secret eating in my room and didn't even look at what I had because I was to embarrassed. Now I also make sure to keep track of what I eat and I love the feeling of accomplishment that comes with having achieved something.
I've started exercising pretty regularly and to be honest I missed it, I always used to put it off, but now that I've done it more often, I've realised just how much I miss the feeling of getting up and stretching my muscles and seeing exactly what I can do and how much I can still improve.
It's the holidays here and in that time I designated a week where I wasn't allowed to use the internet and that was probably the biggest learning experience I have had since I was 8. Things I learnt and did included:
1. How to solve a rubix cube, after having a breakdown at the thing for about 2 hours, I figured it out and sat there staring at the object of my frustrations thinking 'haha I beat you little cube and there's nothing you can do about it.'
2. I became so engrossed in a novel (Dante Valentine) that I made use of my insomnia and was glued to the book for about 6 hours. I read pretty often and I live in the land of the book fairies but I never really had the time to just sit back and read a book with no distractions from start to end. Not for a long time anyway. I think I will do it more often because there is just something about a good story that I have always loved. (Though I am always left with the feeling of loss when I finish the novel and go through withdrawal. Wishing it had never ended.)
3. I went outside and walked. No music, no calls, nothing. This in itself for me was pretty big because I haven't done that in ages. I've been so preoccupied with thinking, that I even neglected to play with my dog. I felt like I was free again, just rolling down a hill and pretending to be a gazelle as I tried to get through the 40 acres of grass (which somehow happened to be taller than me... maybe I should mow the lawn...). I chased my dog around and had a barking competition with him to see who could scare the most birds.
I did quite a few other things but they were probably the most memorable.
As stupid as it sounds, that week was the best week I have had in a long time and I feel like I should do that again sometime.
I hope you are all doing well.
x
I've started exercising pretty regularly and to be honest I missed it, I always used to put it off, but now that I've done it more often, I've realised just how much I miss the feeling of getting up and stretching my muscles and seeing exactly what I can do and how much I can still improve.
It's the holidays here and in that time I designated a week where I wasn't allowed to use the internet and that was probably the biggest learning experience I have had since I was 8. Things I learnt and did included:
1. How to solve a rubix cube, after having a breakdown at the thing for about 2 hours, I figured it out and sat there staring at the object of my frustrations thinking 'haha I beat you little cube and there's nothing you can do about it.'
2. I became so engrossed in a novel (Dante Valentine) that I made use of my insomnia and was glued to the book for about 6 hours. I read pretty often and I live in the land of the book fairies but I never really had the time to just sit back and read a book with no distractions from start to end. Not for a long time anyway. I think I will do it more often because there is just something about a good story that I have always loved. (Though I am always left with the feeling of loss when I finish the novel and go through withdrawal. Wishing it had never ended.)
3. I went outside and walked. No music, no calls, nothing. This in itself for me was pretty big because I haven't done that in ages. I've been so preoccupied with thinking, that I even neglected to play with my dog. I felt like I was free again, just rolling down a hill and pretending to be a gazelle as I tried to get through the 40 acres of grass (which somehow happened to be taller than me... maybe I should mow the lawn...). I chased my dog around and had a barking competition with him to see who could scare the most birds.
I did quite a few other things but they were probably the most memorable.
As stupid as it sounds, that week was the best week I have had in a long time and I feel like I should do that again sometime.
I hope you are all doing well.
x
Tuesday, 4 June 2013
Binge
Binging, I hate it. That feeling of failure and the sickness that comes with being overly full. Stress, stress, stress, stress. The school councilor went and said she was going to tell my parents about my eating problems and I was left thinking 'I'm never going to talk to you ever again.' I talked to her once since February and out of the blue she wants me to see a doctor because I eat to much. I know I eat to much. You don't need to tell me something I already know but thanks for help kill my low self esteem and sense that maybe I was slightly alright.
I'm going to force myself to stop. I can't do this anymore, and now people are noticing that I've put on weight and I just want to hit something and scream. Being the person I am, no one will every see me hit something or scream because I'm an emotional brick. I suppose it's the thought that counts though. I'll just loose this and get to 40kg, then everything will be alright again.
I'm going to force myself to stop. I can't do this anymore, and now people are noticing that I've put on weight and I just want to hit something and scream. Being the person I am, no one will every see me hit something or scream because I'm an emotional brick. I suppose it's the thought that counts though. I'll just loose this and get to 40kg, then everything will be alright again.
Monday, 3 June 2013
Urrggh
People. The cause of most problems and happiness in life. I really should just stop making friends if I know what is going to happen. I'll get bored, pissed off or left by the person. Maybe there is something dysfunctional about me. Maybe I should just change.
I don't understand humans, it's to difficult. They all seem to have problems and they take my lack of words as an immediate 'you really don't care' when I'm just trying to think of a solution to the problem. Emotional expression seems to be more important than rational thought. So if someone is about to die I should just panic and start crying? Instead of thinking of every possible way to stop them from dying? Fine then. Have it your way. I'll just stop helping, then maybe you will understand just how much I cared.
Time to go back to the asylum and get my emotions fixed. It appears that was one thing they forgot.
I don't understand humans, it's to difficult. They all seem to have problems and they take my lack of words as an immediate 'you really don't care' when I'm just trying to think of a solution to the problem. Emotional expression seems to be more important than rational thought. So if someone is about to die I should just panic and start crying? Instead of thinking of every possible way to stop them from dying? Fine then. Have it your way. I'll just stop helping, then maybe you will understand just how much I cared.
Time to go back to the asylum and get my emotions fixed. It appears that was one thing they forgot.
Thursday, 2 May 2013
A day of relative normalcy (about a month ago)
Today I went to a birthday party, which just happened to include going out. I went to the city with 8 people who were originally from 2 different groups at school. I'm still trying to recover from my ed but I think I'm making progress. I might start posting pictures later on about things that go on because I know I'm not the most interesting person, but right now I just don't want anyone I know to find this blog and find out who I am.
I stressed for about 2 hours about clothes to wear before eventually going for something casual but not at all revealing so I had nothing to look at in disgust. I ate chips, deep fried, oil soaked chips! I know it's probably not much but to me I couldn't be happier, while feeling completely horrible at the same time. It was big for me because the last time I ate out without preparing food myself was about 2 years ago. I find my reason was because I have a friend who looks to be starving herself. I know this because she is doing everything I used to do, though she doesn't hide it terribly well. She didn't eat breakfast this morning and was planning to skip lunch until I manipulated her into eating something. I almost wanted to grab her and yell, 'Don't do this! You will regret it for the rest of your life!'
I didn't do that and just hope that she doesn't do this to herself.
Okay off the depressing note.
We took photos at a place called Purikura, which was quite hilarious because it enlarges your eyes in the picture and is a great place to experiment with your worst expressions in the presence of others. I shoved sparkles on just about everything. Afterward we went to Chinatown and bought 8 boxes of mochi and discovered an amazing music store where I bought a Cradle of Filth poster (a band I would not recommend to anyone who is younger or not into metal but I personally like them).
I walked the 28 km home from the train station because the car broke down and I couldn't be bothered to wait for someone to pick me up.
That sums up the day, though I wrote this about a month ago.
I stressed for about 2 hours about clothes to wear before eventually going for something casual but not at all revealing so I had nothing to look at in disgust. I ate chips, deep fried, oil soaked chips! I know it's probably not much but to me I couldn't be happier, while feeling completely horrible at the same time. It was big for me because the last time I ate out without preparing food myself was about 2 years ago. I find my reason was because I have a friend who looks to be starving herself. I know this because she is doing everything I used to do, though she doesn't hide it terribly well. She didn't eat breakfast this morning and was planning to skip lunch until I manipulated her into eating something. I almost wanted to grab her and yell, 'Don't do this! You will regret it for the rest of your life!'
I didn't do that and just hope that she doesn't do this to herself.
Okay off the depressing note.
We took photos at a place called Purikura, which was quite hilarious because it enlarges your eyes in the picture and is a great place to experiment with your worst expressions in the presence of others. I shoved sparkles on just about everything. Afterward we went to Chinatown and bought 8 boxes of mochi and discovered an amazing music store where I bought a Cradle of Filth poster (a band I would not recommend to anyone who is younger or not into metal but I personally like them).
I walked the 28 km home from the train station because the car broke down and I couldn't be bothered to wait for someone to pick me up.
That sums up the day, though I wrote this about a month ago.
Random Update
This is just a bit of what I have been doing recently because nothing interesting has really been happening and I haven't posted here in quite a while.
I have been playing hockey, squash and walking almost none stop for the past week leaving with aching muscles but the need to get better at those sports.
I have learned about 5 new songs on piano which I'm quite proud of because I stopped playing for quite a while, I also composed a song which I will post here sometime when I have more than 4gb of internet to use so probably the end of the month.
I'm currently 54.2kg and I live on 600-1200 calories, my mind still wants me to go down to 40kg so I'm pretty much whatever happens just happens.
I have rediscovered my inner fangirl and almost cried when I watched this video by Alice Nine.
I have been playing hockey, squash and walking almost none stop for the past week leaving with aching muscles but the need to get better at those sports.
I have learned about 5 new songs on piano which I'm quite proud of because I stopped playing for quite a while, I also composed a song which I will post here sometime when I have more than 4gb of internet to use so probably the end of the month.
I'm currently 54.2kg and I live on 600-1200 calories, my mind still wants me to go down to 40kg so I'm pretty much whatever happens just happens.
I have rediscovered my inner fangirl and almost cried when I watched this video by Alice Nine.
And that pretty much sums up everything. Sorry I have nothing interesting to say but I hope you are all doing well.
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
Quirky T-shirts
I just recently found an online store that I really like:
Link here
Basically this is a website that sells T shirts with prints and designs made by anyone who happens to like designing those kinds of things. You can find most somewhat 'geeky' subjects ranging from Big Bang Theory Sherlock and Doctor Who to Final Fantasy, Pokemon and Anime plus a lot more. Each shirt that is produced is fairly cheap but the catch is, every t shirt is only sold for one day.
These are some previous shirts they have sold:
The daily t shirts are all based on the amount of votes a particular design has, so it's all about what the people want the most and I quite like the idea.
I just thought it would be interesting to share, and I know what I'm going to be checking once a day from now on.
Link here
Basically this is a website that sells T shirts with prints and designs made by anyone who happens to like designing those kinds of things. You can find most somewhat 'geeky' subjects ranging from Big Bang Theory Sherlock and Doctor Who to Final Fantasy, Pokemon and Anime plus a lot more. Each shirt that is produced is fairly cheap but the catch is, every t shirt is only sold for one day.
These are some previous shirts they have sold:
I just thought it would be interesting to share, and I know what I'm going to be checking once a day from now on.
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
Not active
It appears I haven't posted here for a while so I suppose I will just sum up what has been happening recently:
I have spent the past week playing Dragon Age Origins because I'm a big fan of role playing games and here in Australia, it is the holidays. My general play-style is as a tank so in Dragon Age, I'm a Dwarf warrior who I sent straight into battles and so far I'm enjoying the game. The storyline is good and there is a lot of character relationships and choices involved. The aim of the game is basically to save the land of Ferelden from the 'Blight' which is where the evil darkspawn try to kill everyone. The storyline is quite detailed with a lot of choices and possible beginnings and endings as opposed to most other games. Classic party of 4 characters but you get to choose from about 12, I would definitely recommend it.
I also have started to get into a music style called kpop which is Korean pop. At the moment I like a group called D-unit, their music videos are quite interesting and the dances match the songs.
That pretty much sums up everything except for my stress over my exam results because I think I could have done a lot better than I did, so I actually plan to study like I always plan to.
I hope you have all been well,
Dorcha
I also have started to get into a music style called kpop which is Korean pop. At the moment I like a group called D-unit, their music videos are quite interesting and the dances match the songs.
That pretty much sums up everything except for my stress over my exam results because I think I could have done a lot better than I did, so I actually plan to study like I always plan to.
I hope you have all been well,
Dorcha
Friday, 15 March 2013
Reality or Books?
I think I would choose books because I can't even stand people at the moment. They all seem to like me in the like like sense so if I talk to one, someone gets hurt. All I can think is, I'm 14 and not planning to ever get a boyfriend or girlfriend, stop taking everything to heart. Most people would probably be reveling in the attention, but I hate it.
I just want to read, listen to music and be a hermit so I don't have to bother with humans. I push everyone away and avoid them as if my life depends on it, even skipping classes and self teaching in the library instead just to get away from some people. If I do something with one the others just get jealous or go into self hate mode so I just push the person I was talking to away so no one gets hurt. It's so stressful.
I think I failed my English poetry assignment where we had to write a poem based on a theme using words from 4 other poems. I was under the time limit and frankly, the teacher hates me. I got a B- in Maths which is horrible because I only have freedom if I get A's for everything. urrgg procrastination it is.
I just want to read, listen to music and be a hermit so I don't have to bother with humans. I push everyone away and avoid them as if my life depends on it, even skipping classes and self teaching in the library instead just to get away from some people. If I do something with one the others just get jealous or go into self hate mode so I just push the person I was talking to away so no one gets hurt. It's so stressful.
I think I failed my English poetry assignment where we had to write a poem based on a theme using words from 4 other poems. I was under the time limit and frankly, the teacher hates me. I got a B- in Maths which is horrible because I only have freedom if I get A's for everything. urrgg procrastination it is.
Friday, 8 March 2013
Girugamesh
Girugamesh is a Japanese visual kei rock band made up of 5 members, Ryo (drums), Satoshi (Vocals), Nii (Guitar) and Shuu (Bass). The name is based on an ancient king called Gilgamesh, I think. Their music styles range from soft sounding songs like, Crying Rain, to fast songs with loud drumming such as, Owari to Mirai. A great deal of their music videos are pretty dark themed with not much colours but there are exceptions such as Zecchou Bang.
Some of my friends often ask me why I like them because they aren't 'hot,' they wear make up and don't play 'pop.' To be honest I don't really mind what they look like because their music is amazing, (That is the point of listening to a band right?). They aren't that bad looking anyway and find them to be hilarious. When I listen to their songs I always feel a bit happier for some reason, I like the way music can do that. I normally just listen to random songs from random bands but I can definitely say I like everything from this band so far. Mostly I make these band posts so people can be a little more musically open and maybe try a new genre. What kind of bands and music do you listen to? I would love to hear.
Some of my friends often ask me why I like them because they aren't 'hot,' they wear make up and don't play 'pop.' To be honest I don't really mind what they look like because their music is amazing, (That is the point of listening to a band right?). They aren't that bad looking anyway and find them to be hilarious. When I listen to their songs I always feel a bit happier for some reason, I like the way music can do that. I normally just listen to random songs from random bands but I can definitely say I like everything from this band so far. Mostly I make these band posts so people can be a little more musically open and maybe try a new genre. What kind of bands and music do you listen to? I would love to hear.
Monday, 4 March 2013
Funny how as soon as I talk about picking up pieces thing fall apart *Trigger*
My friends all seem to have problems right now and I can't help any of them. I think that when you have been through things like self harm and ed you notice yourself in other people. They all keep bombarding me so I don't want to have to tell them about my problems.
Self harm, the signs of potential eating disorders, constantly crying, constantly tired. They all fall under at least one of these categories and I can't do anything. I know my mind will start screaming to get away before I can get hurt but I have to pick up the pieces and stay somewhere. Relapsing, failing that's all my life right now. I might just break one day soon but I don't want to, not before I live life.
I can't look negative at the moment, I keep seeing calories again everywhere, so I close my eyes and eat. I don't want to lose another person close to me before they are even close to me. Come on Dorcha, we can do this. Recover. Help them recover and everything will be better.
Self harm, the signs of potential eating disorders, constantly crying, constantly tired. They all fall under at least one of these categories and I can't do anything. I know my mind will start screaming to get away before I can get hurt but I have to pick up the pieces and stay somewhere. Relapsing, failing that's all my life right now. I might just break one day soon but I don't want to, not before I live life.
I can't look negative at the moment, I keep seeing calories again everywhere, so I close my eyes and eat. I don't want to lose another person close to me before they are even close to me. Come on Dorcha, we can do this. Recover. Help them recover and everything will be better.
Tuesday, 26 February 2013
Picking the pieces
Everyday you think things will be different, that you will try harder, that you will achieve something, that you will finally get somewhere but then you remember you have a time limit. To leave your mark, or leave quietly that is the question. When you're faced with an early death you'd think the world would be different, you would have the motivation to do anything in your time but I can't actually do anything. Nothing changes except you. No one notices except you because you don't want to burden anyone with that knowledge that you have.
You watch everyone and see the irony of the words when people say, 'I'm dying,' because they don't like a class or they have a cold. You want to tell someone, speak up but at the same time, you don't want anyone to know. You want to be treated any differently, sometimes you just need a hug or a time to break down and cry. When you're the person who never cries, who never hugs, who is constantly sarcastic and strong you don't have that luxury. You are strong for the people around you because they need it.
You start to break apart piece by piece slowly losing yourself and everything you stood for but I want to pick up the pieces. I want to try and see if I can survive ductaped together, make something of myself in 11 years. I want to get into a medicine course with an OP1 so no one ever has to deal with what I do, I want to be a bodyguard so I can protect someone, I want to learn 5 different languages and be a black belt in a martial art. I want to finally accept myself and not constantly be pressured by my mentality, I want to be happy when the time comes if I don't develop a cure and keep my air of cockiness right till the end. I could never be strong for myself, but for others, I can do anything. Bring it on life, I'm going to pick up the pieces and do whatever the hell I need to do.
You watch everyone and see the irony of the words when people say, 'I'm dying,' because they don't like a class or they have a cold. You want to tell someone, speak up but at the same time, you don't want anyone to know. You want to be treated any differently, sometimes you just need a hug or a time to break down and cry. When you're the person who never cries, who never hugs, who is constantly sarcastic and strong you don't have that luxury. You are strong for the people around you because they need it.
You start to break apart piece by piece slowly losing yourself and everything you stood for but I want to pick up the pieces. I want to try and see if I can survive ductaped together, make something of myself in 11 years. I want to get into a medicine course with an OP1 so no one ever has to deal with what I do, I want to be a bodyguard so I can protect someone, I want to learn 5 different languages and be a black belt in a martial art. I want to finally accept myself and not constantly be pressured by my mentality, I want to be happy when the time comes if I don't develop a cure and keep my air of cockiness right till the end. I could never be strong for myself, but for others, I can do anything. Bring it on life, I'm going to pick up the pieces and do whatever the hell I need to do.
Sunday, 24 February 2013
First World Problems
I went to a music store yesterday and faced the biggest decision of my life...
Acoustic Guitar
or
Electric Bass
Yes I do feel this needs to be dramatic but as a musical reliant person I can't decide. The guitar would help a great deal with music at school and it is the normal instrument to sing along to (Not that I can actually sing). Bass sounds so epic and amazing but it's more of an accompaniment instrument than a lead, I don't think it really has enough of a fanbase and isn't appreciated enough.
Razuquell (Rah-zah-qwu-ell) is the name for whatever it will be (I name everything), my ocarina is Ren and my keyboard is Nigel. Aggh funny how I'm making a big deal about something most people would find to be a stupid issue. I don't know which one to get, I have $400 and the ones I want both cost the same price though the bass doesn't include an amp.
Oh the joy of first world problems.
Acoustic Guitar
or
Electric Bass
Yes I do feel this needs to be dramatic but as a musical reliant person I can't decide. The guitar would help a great deal with music at school and it is the normal instrument to sing along to (Not that I can actually sing). Bass sounds so epic and amazing but it's more of an accompaniment instrument than a lead, I don't think it really has enough of a fanbase and isn't appreciated enough.
Razuquell (Rah-zah-qwu-ell) is the name for whatever it will be (I name everything), my ocarina is Ren and my keyboard is Nigel. Aggh funny how I'm making a big deal about something most people would find to be a stupid issue. I don't know which one to get, I have $400 and the ones I want both cost the same price though the bass doesn't include an amp.
Oh the joy of first world problems.
Thursday, 21 February 2013
I am a Pirate, you are a Princess by Play Radio Play
Is there a hole in your heart, or am I mistaken
I can see your capillary veins
You be the patient, I'll be the surgeon
Just like in first grade on the playground all day
Soon enough you'll see the black top coming for you
After that there is not much else we can do
Have you forgotten your place?
I'm being sarcastic
That shit could kill a bus of kids
We are a good thing
She is a bad thing
Why would she want to break us?
Who would want to break us?
Soon enough you'll hear the black top calling your name
After that life will never be the same
I am a pirate, you are a princess
We could sail the seven seas
Bring back some presents
For all the people
Everyone will love us
Even Courtney will love us
I am performing this song for my music assignment at school because it is a song I can actually reach with my vocal chords. I have 6 lessons to learn it so I just hope I can memorize it in time and that I don't fail completely. I also have to write a pop song and make an album cover but I'm pretty much finished, I'm just trying to find a 'strumming' pattern for the keyboard because I fail at guitar. I might post it here when I've recorded here, I can't sing very well so I hope your ears don't bleed but it's good for critism.
Sorry for my constant rambling and whining, it must be quite annoying.
Hope you are all living well x
I can see your capillary veins
You be the patient, I'll be the surgeon
Just like in first grade on the playground all day
Soon enough you'll see the black top coming for you
After that there is not much else we can do
Have you forgotten your place?
I'm being sarcastic
That shit could kill a bus of kids
We are a good thing
She is a bad thing
Why would she want to break us?
Who would want to break us?
Soon enough you'll hear the black top calling your name
After that life will never be the same
I am a pirate, you are a princess
We could sail the seven seas
Bring back some presents
For all the people
Everyone will love us
Even Courtney will love us
I am performing this song for my music assignment at school because it is a song I can actually reach with my vocal chords. I have 6 lessons to learn it so I just hope I can memorize it in time and that I don't fail completely. I also have to write a pop song and make an album cover but I'm pretty much finished, I'm just trying to find a 'strumming' pattern for the keyboard because I fail at guitar. I might post it here when I've recorded here, I can't sing very well so I hope your ears don't bleed but it's good for critism.
Sorry for my constant rambling and whining, it must be quite annoying.
Hope you are all living well x
Monday, 18 February 2013
More rambles and more potential triggers
For the past few days I've been feeling almost manic, as if my thoughts were racing at a million miles per hour. I never stop talking and I think I'm getting incredibly annoying, my counselor seems convinced nothing is wrong but she doesn't know anything except whats on the surface. Why do I have to be such a good liar? I always lie and people have the tendency to believe them more than the truth.
Maybe if they saw my bruises, my cuts and what really goes through me they would think I'm insane. I used to have a therapist when I lived in Ireland who understood me and everything, she is the one that made the diagnoses but I don't think my mentality is any better since then. I think it's getting worse. I just grab something and hit myself just to feel pain, damn I know the risks and injuries that might occur, I know its dangerous. I just feel out of my mind like a clown but nothing around me is real. I push everyone who could possibly help me away because my biggest fear is that my parents will find out and be disappointed. I don't want to ruin their views of a perfect child anymore than I already have.
I think three things when I meet someone, how to kill them, how to use them and how to run, I don't think that is normal thinking. I'm not even scared of horror movies or anything, my frame of mind is more like 'if something or someone was actually in my house I wouldn't be able to stop them anyway,' and suddenly I don't feel fear, I'm not afraid of dying but I would never want to commit suicide. I'm not suicidal but sometimes the world kills me anyway.
If you read that, I'm sorry for being such a downer I just need somewhere I can say whatever I need to.
Maybe if they saw my bruises, my cuts and what really goes through me they would think I'm insane. I used to have a therapist when I lived in Ireland who understood me and everything, she is the one that made the diagnoses but I don't think my mentality is any better since then. I think it's getting worse. I just grab something and hit myself just to feel pain, damn I know the risks and injuries that might occur, I know its dangerous. I just feel out of my mind like a clown but nothing around me is real. I push everyone who could possibly help me away because my biggest fear is that my parents will find out and be disappointed. I don't want to ruin their views of a perfect child anymore than I already have.
I think three things when I meet someone, how to kill them, how to use them and how to run, I don't think that is normal thinking. I'm not even scared of horror movies or anything, my frame of mind is more like 'if something or someone was actually in my house I wouldn't be able to stop them anyway,' and suddenly I don't feel fear, I'm not afraid of dying but I would never want to commit suicide. I'm not suicidal but sometimes the world kills me anyway.
If you read that, I'm sorry for being such a downer I just need somewhere I can say whatever I need to.
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Down the hole (Potentially triggering)
I purged twice this week and I have no idea why I did. I simply found myself vomiting with my fingers down my throat. The acid burned and after the second time my voice was slightly croaky. I wasn't even sad nor did I think anything bad in particular, I suppose habits are hard to break.
After that event I had a swimming carnival (3pm-8pm because my school is weird) in which I swam 50m butterfly and backstroke as well as 25m freestyle and breaststroke I came first, second or third in each which was a surprise because I haven't swam in 2 years. We had some cheers and warcries going on so they forced us to join in. To sum it up lets just say I think I have ruined my vocal chords.
After that event I had a swimming carnival (3pm-8pm because my school is weird) in which I swam 50m butterfly and backstroke as well as 25m freestyle and breaststroke I came first, second or third in each which was a surprise because I haven't swam in 2 years. We had some cheers and warcries going on so they forced us to join in. To sum it up lets just say I think I have ruined my vocal chords.
Sunday, 10 February 2013
Of Poetry
I was just given an assignment at school in which we have to write a poem compiling one line or more from four poems plus some of our own. The main topic for this term was poetry through the ages going from Renaissance, Romantic, Victorian to Modernist. Personally I am very interested in this topic and have already started a collection of poets and poetry to chose from, as well as ideas for a theme.
The point of this is not to use plagiarism or to try recreate a poem, but to pay homage to poets past and present. I like horror, gore and gothic poetry but I'm not sure if my class would agree since it is an oral presentation. We are allowed to use the lyrics from a song as a poem as well and have to use multi modal (powerpoint, video, music) elements, gestures, costuming, etc to dramatize the saying of the poem. I'm not much of an actor but I want to give this my best shot since it is an object of my interests. The poets have to have published some of their works to be part of this and I want to fully reference them so as to make their works more well known because some of them are absolutely brilliant.
Some poets and poems that I have thought about so far are:
Kill Natalie
Emilie Autumn
Edgar Allen Poe
The Apparition by John Donne
The Vampire by Rudyard Kipling
The point of this is not to use plagiarism or to try recreate a poem, but to pay homage to poets past and present. I like horror, gore and gothic poetry but I'm not sure if my class would agree since it is an oral presentation. We are allowed to use the lyrics from a song as a poem as well and have to use multi modal (powerpoint, video, music) elements, gestures, costuming, etc to dramatize the saying of the poem. I'm not much of an actor but I want to give this my best shot since it is an object of my interests. The poets have to have published some of their works to be part of this and I want to fully reference them so as to make their works more well known because some of them are absolutely brilliant.
Some poets and poems that I have thought about so far are:
Kill Natalie
Emilie Autumn
Edgar Allen Poe
The Apparition by John Donne
The Vampire by Rudyard Kipling
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
Another Ramble (May be triggering)
For the past few days I seem to be getting steadily worse. I argue with everyone then realize I started it for no reason later on, I feel perpetually tired during the day after a full night's sleep and fall asleep during classes that I find interesting, my head is aching and feels like it's burning from the inside, I can't even walk straight because my eyes are watery from almost tears like I can't decide whether or not to cry. I haven't cried in years, I don't think I know how to. I have bruises all over me from both my clumsiness and on purpose but never in places people see. I can't decide who is my friend anymore because they text me all the time and talk to me on facebook but when it comes to real life they never say a single word. I love sports but now I struggle at things I once found easy because I feel so weak and keep on shaking.
A family friend was sent to hospital and diagnosed with depression of some kind, I'd known her since I was a little kid and never knew she had tried to kill herself twice. No one is who I thought they were anymore, I can't think about them the same, everything just keeps on changing and now I think my body is trying to make me realize it. Accept it, even though I don't want to, getting older everyday, people dying everyday, new secrets people tell me for no apparent reason other than they want advice as if I could help them. I can't help everyone, I'm not an angel or a deity of any kind I just want to be left alone to get a grip on the endless flow of eternity.
I guess that is what it is like to be a teenager.
For the first time though I hate to admit it, I think I should go voluntarily talk to my counselor who I have avoided for years. Oh joy
A family friend was sent to hospital and diagnosed with depression of some kind, I'd known her since I was a little kid and never knew she had tried to kill herself twice. No one is who I thought they were anymore, I can't think about them the same, everything just keeps on changing and now I think my body is trying to make me realize it. Accept it, even though I don't want to, getting older everyday, people dying everyday, new secrets people tell me for no apparent reason other than they want advice as if I could help them. I can't help everyone, I'm not an angel or a deity of any kind I just want to be left alone to get a grip on the endless flow of eternity.
I guess that is what it is like to be a teenager.
For the first time though I hate to admit it, I think I should go voluntarily talk to my counselor who I have avoided for years. Oh joy
Friday, 1 February 2013
Artist: YUI
Yui is a 'Japanese singer songwriter, multi instrumentalist, composer, actress and radio personality' (wikipedia) She released her first single when she was 17 and is pretty famous in Japan and some other countries. Her song Again was one of the opening themes for Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood (anime). I enjoy her music even though a lot of it doesn't have the drumming I usually listen to, it normally either has a slow beat or a more pop like tune. Her songs range from happy to sad lyrics and I adore her voice. She is a talented guitarist and often has acoustic features in her music. My favourite songs by her are 'Rain', 'Again' and 'Understand'.
Saturday, 26 January 2013
Sydney and Japan Haul
This is on another topic but I thought I would start having a wardrobe Wednesday where I make a post about either a piece of clothing I have, a type of clothing as a whole or an outfit that I like. I have no sense of taste when it comes to putting together outfits but I enjoy getting the items and diying them. I think it will be interesting to see if I can actually start making good coordinates so look forward to that.
Okay, as you know, a couple of days ago I came back from a trip overseas, I went to Sydney and Japan. These are most of the things I bought, price for everything altogether is at the bottom of the post. (All photos from my phone)
.jpg)
These are the clothes and stockings I bought: (Starting from top left) 3/4 sleeve shirt with a bow made of sequins, cute olden day looking shirt with lace patterns, short sleeve dress with a busy city theme of apartments, street lights and cats on it, cupcake monster shirt, 3 pairs of stockings/tights (one fishnet, one triangle lace design, one alice in wonderland nude) and last but not least a grey vest because vests are nice.
.jpg)
.jpg)
Items in this picture are: (starting from top left) Berserk: The Golden Age Arc part 1, Nabari No Ou official character book in Japanese, Blood + part 1 manga, (In the top right corner) Code Geass bag with 6 badges (Vincent Valentine, Sephiroth, Death the Kid, Uchiha Sasuke, Izaya Orihara and Shizuo Heiwajima), Gabumon from Digimon plushie, Skeleton Jack plushie, Uchiha Sasuke plushie, Pikachu plushie, (little items) Entei and Groudon from pokemon figurines, 4 food rubbers, a weird rubix cube type thing and a little red alarm clock.
And the price was......
AU$30 for everything
That is the wonders of SALVOS, Lifeline yearly book sale, second hand stores, discount bins, bargains and haggling.
As you can see I adore plushies and badges, can't be helped.
Hope you have a good day/night (It is raining none stop where I am so that is quite nice),
Dorcha Aingeal
Okay, as you know, a couple of days ago I came back from a trip overseas, I went to Sydney and Japan. These are most of the things I bought, price for everything altogether is at the bottom of the post. (All photos from my phone)
.jpg)
.jpg)
(The print of the nude Alice in Wonderland stockings above, I like it)
.jpg)
Items in this picture are: (starting from top left) Berserk: The Golden Age Arc part 1, Nabari No Ou official character book in Japanese, Blood + part 1 manga, (In the top right corner) Code Geass bag with 6 badges (Vincent Valentine, Sephiroth, Death the Kid, Uchiha Sasuke, Izaya Orihara and Shizuo Heiwajima), Gabumon from Digimon plushie, Skeleton Jack plushie, Uchiha Sasuke plushie, Pikachu plushie, (little items) Entei and Groudon from pokemon figurines, 4 food rubbers, a weird rubix cube type thing and a little red alarm clock.
And the price was......
AU$30 for everything
That is the wonders of SALVOS, Lifeline yearly book sale, second hand stores, discount bins, bargains and haggling.
As you can see I adore plushies and badges, can't be helped.
Hope you have a good day/night (It is raining none stop where I am so that is quite nice),
Dorcha Aingeal
Wednesday, 23 January 2013
Random ramble the 100th
I think I'm going to give up even trying to make friends with people face to face anymore. Apparently I'm scary, weird, nerdy and a freak though I do find those words funny they weren't said in a teasing way. I'm short, have a boyish haircut and have more muscle than most people at my school so people assume I'm either a bully or some kind of fighter. Weird? That's a normal one for me and nerdy I think is because I wear anime shirts and boys shorts even though I'm a girl. I don't find mini shorts and dresses comfortable so I don't wear them but when everyone else wears them you tend to become an outcast for choosing otherwise.
I find it easier to make friends at first when they don't see what you look like so they can't exactly judge you based on appearance. I have a lot of friends I have met online and through penpals and I tend to last longer in them then real life meetings.
I find it easier to make friends at first when they don't see what you look like so they can't exactly judge you based on appearance. I have a lot of friends I have met online and through penpals and I tend to last longer in them then real life meetings.
Ocarina of Time
No I don't have the ocarina from Zelda, but I do have an ocarina. It arrived the day I came back from my half brother's house (but that's another post story) and I have been playing it non stop since. I named it Ren for no reason other than I give names to every object that means anything to me. I like the colouring of it which is a marbled green.
.jpg)
I knew absolutely nothing about ocarinas so before I bought Ren I did some research. There are a few types of ocarinas, mine is a 12 hole sweet potato and it's sounds pretty much like a recorder. I have played a lot of songs so far including concerning hobbits and lilium but I still have a while to improve. It's an easy instrument to learn and good fun to play.
.jpg)
This is Ren
I knew absolutely nothing about ocarinas so before I bought Ren I did some research. There are a few types of ocarinas, mine is a 12 hole sweet potato and it's sounds pretty much like a recorder. I have played a lot of songs so far including concerning hobbits and lilium but I still have a while to improve. It's an easy instrument to learn and good fun to play.
Saturday, 12 January 2013
The drawing board
After looking at a blog: Lesthi (hope you have a good marriage) I decided I wanted to start blogging some of my drawings. I'm not terribly good and I can never draw what I want to so I just let it flow. I mostly draw anime and manga characters but sometimes I draw other things as well. Most of them are just sketches.
.jpg)
This is from when the game Slender first came out (I'm not very good at camera angles or lighting yet so sorry for the bad pictures)
This is Pain/Pein from an anime/manga called Naruto
.jpg)
This started out a neko girl but then I decided I wanted her to be a dog but I have been told she looks like a bear girl. Random floating ice cream in the background.
I hope you like them and if anyone ever wants me to draw something in particular I'm open for requests though they might not turn out like how you asked.
11, 12 and down we delve
Sorry to my lovely followers but you can expect to have some rants about nothing important over the next couple of days. They will be all music and finding the meaning of life kind of topics so feel free to ignore them.
I think I should be crying but I haven't cried since I was 6, I've been to 11 funerals but no matter how close or far away a person is to me I never seem to cry or feel sad. Maybe I'm not capable of being sad anymore and it just builds up into a rant on this blog who knows? I get angry easily maybe it's because I'm a teenager, people are always asking if I'm depressed but I can assure everyone I'm not. I just have an unnatural obsession with avoiding people, watching anime, listening to music and reading books while trying to keep away from social contact. I could be a sociopath but I still feel guilt so I don't think that's the case. I was starting to feel excited as well about a holiday and now everyone expects me to just break down and bawl my eyes out. I'm not that kind of person, when I react to these events I become productive, I learnt German over the last few times it happened. A simple deviation in my otherwise unmotivated life.
I think I should be crying but I haven't cried since I was 6, I've been to 11 funerals but no matter how close or far away a person is to me I never seem to cry or feel sad. Maybe I'm not capable of being sad anymore and it just builds up into a rant on this blog who knows? I get angry easily maybe it's because I'm a teenager, people are always asking if I'm depressed but I can assure everyone I'm not. I just have an unnatural obsession with avoiding people, watching anime, listening to music and reading books while trying to keep away from social contact. I could be a sociopath but I still feel guilt so I don't think that's the case. I was starting to feel excited as well about a holiday and now everyone expects me to just break down and bawl my eyes out. I'm not that kind of person, when I react to these events I become productive, I learnt German over the last few times it happened. A simple deviation in my otherwise unmotivated life.
'I need another story,
something to get off my chest.
My life gets kind of boring
I need something to confess.'
Secrets by One Republic
Somewhere over the rainbow
I'm going to Sydney in 2 days to visit the relatives with my mum because she always drags me to these things. Apparently I'm not social enough and have to learn how express emotions rather than being so apathetic. I'm not apathetic I just have mental emotions rather than displaying them to people normally. I'm just a bit weird, also probably insane since I have this random voice in my head that tells me things that I don't even know. It happens quite often but I'm thankful that it is there sometimes.
e.g Friend: I have a new favourite jrock band
Voice: Diaura
Me: Is it Diaura?
Friend: That's kind of creepy how did you know?
While there I thought I would get my hair cut a little like a boy's because I never do anything with mine other than cut it and put it in a pony tail. It's for pure practicality and at the moment the average temperature is 36°C so that will also get rid of the scarf that is long hair. (This kind of haircut)
After that I get sent to Nagoya, Japan to have some 'quality sibling time' with my half brother before I come back here and go to school. I'm actually a bit excited because I haven't been to Japan in a long time and I miss it. It should also motivate me to concentrate more in learning the language at school.
Hope everyone is having a good year so far.
Listening to: Fight like a girl - Emilie Autumn
e.g Friend: I have a new favourite jrock band
Voice: Diaura
Me: Is it Diaura?
Friend: That's kind of creepy how did you know?
While there I thought I would get my hair cut a little like a boy's because I never do anything with mine other than cut it and put it in a pony tail. It's for pure practicality and at the moment the average temperature is 36°C so that will also get rid of the scarf that is long hair. (This kind of haircut)
After that I get sent to Nagoya, Japan to have some 'quality sibling time' with my half brother before I come back here and go to school. I'm actually a bit excited because I haven't been to Japan in a long time and I miss it. It should also motivate me to concentrate more in learning the language at school.
Hope everyone is having a good year so far.
Listening to: Fight like a girl - Emilie Autumn
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
Alone was lonely
I talked to someone today, I tried to be caring and a good friend all they said in reply to me was:
I LOVE U THAT MADE MY HEART SHATTER INTO A JILLION PIECES CUZ IT FEELS LIKE IT JUST BURST CUZ OF LOVE
But all I could think was, I don't love you but should I tell you that? Or lie to make you feel better. I sometimes dislike getting tired of people, they just drain me but I want to be there for someone. I just leave and distance myself so I can stay alone. Alone is different from lonely and I'm not lonely but I like to talk to people. Once emotions get involved in their part I suddenly need to leave even if we were best friends. Everything they do will suddenly irritate me and I will just spend the next week with myself, my books and my music then be completely fine.
People don't understand that, they just think I still don't like them and am just trying to act nice to them. I think I will turn into a cat lady when I graduate from school because I like cats and they are a lot easier to be around then most people.
I LOVE U THAT MADE MY HEART SHATTER INTO A JILLION PIECES CUZ IT FEELS LIKE IT JUST BURST CUZ OF LOVE
But all I could think was, I don't love you but should I tell you that? Or lie to make you feel better. I sometimes dislike getting tired of people, they just drain me but I want to be there for someone. I just leave and distance myself so I can stay alone. Alone is different from lonely and I'm not lonely but I like to talk to people. Once emotions get involved in their part I suddenly need to leave even if we were best friends. Everything they do will suddenly irritate me and I will just spend the next week with myself, my books and my music then be completely fine.
People don't understand that, they just think I still don't like them and am just trying to act nice to them. I think I will turn into a cat lady when I graduate from school because I like cats and they are a lot easier to be around then most people.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)